I came across a very sad story the other day of a 14-year–old boy from Nyando whose hands were set ablaze by his stepmother and his father because they suspected he’d stolen a phone.
Such stories send chills down my spine. I always wonder how it gets this bad.
I do not think that any woman in their sane mind gets into a relationship with a man who is already a father with the intention of setting his child on fire.
What I see, when I read such stories, is women who are underprepared for the role of being a bonus parent.
Women who get with men who are already fathers thinking that fatherhood is just a little part of their lives, but when the reality of a child dawns on them, they are unable to cope. So they lash out, often at the hapless children.
SINGLEHOOD
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A few years ago, on the morning of her ruracio, my friend walked in on her fiancé in bed with her cousin (keep your friends close).
Of course she caused a racket before she called off the ceremony and the relationship.
Weeks later, she found out that she was pregnant and resolved to raise her son alone. She tells me that she knows she has no capacity to raise a child that she didn’t sire.
Similarly, she doesn’t think there’s any man out there who can look after her son like his own, and has thus resigned herself to singlehood. I like how aware of her limitations she is.
There are women who the motherhood bug never bites just as there are woman who are ill-equipped for the difficult, overwhelming role that step motherhood is.
There is nothing wrong either. There isn’t just one way to be a woman.
LIVING IN REALITY
All this becomes a problem when a woman ignores her limitations.
When she knows that she could never be comfortable raising another woman’s child but goes ahead and dates that single father anyway.
Or when she detests motherhood and all the things that come with it and goes ahead and has unprotected sex.
If you want to fall in love, fall in love with the man standing in front of you in flesh and blood.
Not the man you think he could become if only he did not have that child clinging on his shirt. This goes for other life aspects as well.
You can’t have half a baby; if you want to have children, stop dating men who don’t and hoping that something will change along the way.
EXPECTATIONS
If you want a sober man, marry a teetotaller, not Johnny who leaves home Friday morning and comes back at 3am on Sunday morning thinking that if you love him enough, he will prefer to stay home with you.
If the finer things in life are a priority to you, marry a man who can provide them. Don’t marry a man for his potential and then turn into a whiny bitter woman.
Most of the time, with people just like men, what you see is what you get. Be clear about what you want from the word go.