I fear that I may get a bad woman

I am a 26-year-old man. My challenge is not only to get a good woman but also to find one who loves me. I am a church person, a son of a pastor. I am doing well in my career but I need coaching on relationships. Sometimes I also fear that I may get a bad woman and embarrass my parents.

Hi there,

The choice of a spouse is among the most important decisions most people make in their lives.

To get a good woman, you need to be patient in your search. I encourage you to be emotionally and intellectually sober as you begin this journey.

You, however, need to find a way to banish your fear because this is the only way you will grow in self-awareness and confidence.

Fear can create anxiety that will lead to worry and doubt about your ability to date and sustain a relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, in certain circumstances, fear is good because it helps us to be cautious, besides reminding us that we are human and, therefore, capable of making mistakes.

Remembering this is important since relationships are made up of two imperfect people struggling to have a perfect relationship.

As much as you desire to have a good woman with commendable qualities, I can assure you that she will not be perfect.

There are those must-have characteristics that she must, however, have. These qualities must be enough to sustain a marriage through tough times – they include respect, honesty and faithfulness.

VALUE SYSTEM
Bruce Wilkinson, an American author, in his book A Biblical Portrait of Marriage, says: “You are in an exciting adventure of learning, evaluation, challenge, and lasting life-change… and most of all you will be challenged to re-think and re-align your own life and marriage to conform to God’s Word.”

Welcome to a life-changing journey of discovery, where you will be challenged to view marriage in the way God intended.

Another important factor in dating is desire, which is only managed by responsible behaviour.

It is encouraging that you desire to be in a relationship with a woman that will not only bring you joy but who will also fit into the kind of value system you grew under.

This is a great start. The second step should be socialising with like-minded people – hang around people who will add value to your life.

As you do this, continue to pray, serve, trust and believe in God, who makes all things possible.

I am convinced that if you are faithful, and if you hang around the right social circles, you will meet someone who fits the description you are looking for.

We all, not just you, need relationship-related coaching; after all, we are not taught how to carry out relationships in school.

Therefore, it would be a good idea to take some relationship courses that are offered by many churches and other institutions.

HEALTHY TIPS

This kind of education will teach you some basic principles that will improve the way you perceive and relate to women. Here’s what enduring marriages are made of:

Instead of looking at marriage as a voluntary short-term partnership that lasts only as long as the passion lasts, we must start viewing it as a commitment for the long haul if we want it to last.

No marriage is happy throughout, each has its own set of challenges, and how a couple manages these often determines the strength of their relationship.

The truth is that challenges can become opportunities, opportunities to make our relationship better. Certain core factors make enduring marriages:

View challenges as opportunity for growth

Relationships tend to present us with the opportunity to learn and grow.

The challenges we face will either build or destroy our marriages, hence why some relationships could end up in abuse, divorce and disillusionment.

Many couples, drawing from the many cases I have counselled, feel unfulfilled by the promise of marriage.

Testimony to this is the ever-increasing attitude of selfishness that has not only left behind wounded spouses, but also disoriented children.

Who would have thought that a feeling of betrayal or abandonment by one partner would quickly spread like poison to the children?

Our desire to please self has enough power to break not only your partner’s heart, but destroy your children too.

View challenges as opportunities to invest in your relationship

There is no other moment in which a relationship gets as much attention as when facing challenging periods.

Like the engine of a car that requires regular maintenance, every relationship needs moments of inspection and rebooting.

An unmaintained car may continue running, but only for a short time. Soon, the good parts stop working, too, and it is grounded.

The most profitable companies in the world have thrived through constant review of their businesses and how they run them.

This way, they are able to learn from their mistakes and continue on a trajectory of growth and productivity.

Dwelling on the negative aspect of your marriage will only compound your pain and misery.

View challenges as an opportunity to build a team

You must be willing to create the future you desire. To do this, you will require to invest in each other and spend time together.

You need to spend time fighting the enemy together, not each other. And your commitment to each other will determine your endurance.

When your motivation is right, then you will treat each other right. In today’s fast-changing modern world, it is important to hold on to values that will keep our marriages together.

A happy marriage is not a dream, it is a reality that can be realised if a couple invests in each other. If you are a happy couple, then it goes without saying that your marriage will be happy too.

View challenges as opportunity to grow wiser

If you love yourself, then you have high self-esteem too. We have to learn to affirm self before we start affirming other people.

Lack of self-esteem creates fear concerning the future. If your partner does not respect you or your feelings, you should not desire revenge because it solves nothing.

In such a case, wisdom calls on restraint. Instead of giving your partner the same dose of treatment, call out his/her bad behaviour by treating him, or her, the way you’d want to be treated.