It all started when Koech was 15. He was in a cyber café 10 minutes away from where they lived. He had lived in Ruiru all his life and it was a small town where everyone knew each other. Every once in a while, he would go to the cyber café to access the internet because he didn’t have a phone and he didn’t want to be left behind in the internet and social media era.
One click, two clicks, three clicks later, and the adventure (or so he thought) began. It was exciting at first. He perused one site to another marveling at their offerings. The cyber cafe was empty and he was at a corner hidden by the table and so there was no one to watch him. That was the first time he masturbated in a public place. It was not the last.
He suddenly figured out ways of being able to go to the cyber café more often and soon it was up to four times a week. That’s until the owner of the cyber caught and kicked him out. What started as entertainment soon grew into a habit. When he got a job he bought a laptop and a smartphone his porn addiction went downhill from there. It was the first and last thing he did each day.
He thought having a girlfriend will cure his retrogression, but even marriage failed to curb the urges. Then, the addiction started ruining his life. It started affecting his marriage and before long he didn’t care for sex and he also had issues at his workplace because he was skipping work to relieve himself. He was using break times and finding a room-any free room. He was spending 14-20 hours per week, every week. He was sore from the constant rubbing. He hated himself for it. It cost him his job, friends, and his marriage before he finally decided to seek help.
Here is the thing. Koech is not alone. There are many men out there who know they have this problem but don’t know where to seek help. A study on internet use in Kenya showed that after social media and betting, the next thing Kenyans search for is porn. Kenyans are world leaders in some porn categories according to numbers released by PornHub. A different study notes that most people get exposed to porn between the ages of 13-18.
With internet use becoming wide-spread many men find themselves grappling with the anti-social habit.
This is not an easy topic to handle even for me. I may receive backlash, for touching what is considered an ‘immoral’ topic. The truth is, most of us out here are burying our heads in the sand and want to believe that this addiction does not exist, and if it does, it’s only among the immoral and social delinquents in the society. Notwithstanding, there are even church ministers who have confessed to having being addicted to porn.
Many men face porn addiction silently because even the medical world doesn’t universally recognise it as an addiction. Those afflicted can’t confide in their friends because no one thinks of it as a problem. The bigger majority of people don’t even admit that they’re addicted.
According to my research, the countable programs available to masturbation addicts are mostly religious. The few people I spoke to felt that church-based programs were largely judgmental and were not accommodative to the non-religious types.
It goes then without saying that most people felt out of place even though the welcome banner was up. Yes, there are psychologists out there that do help addicts, but they are few and far between and are often pricey.
There are different reasons as to why people find solace in this erotica. Initially, it is out of curiosity and eventually, some use it as a form of escape or as a stress reliever. These are people who have not developed any healthy coping mechanisms, and once they go into the competitive world of complicated relationships, they sink deeper and deeper into this hole.
I think one of the ways of tackling the issue is to raise awareness. The problem, however, is we are not open about porn, and so we are unable to openly discuss issues around pornography and masturbation. It’s a taboo topic, persona non-grata, but just like with most taboos, this does not stop anyone, especially the young, from venturing into the unsafe zone. Then the hand job gets out of hand literally.
We need to destigmatise masturbation and open up spaces where we can have non-judgmental conversations around it. Because what starts as innocent curiosity can lead to a painful and devastating addiction.
We also need to disassociate it with shame. That way many people will be able to get the pros and cons of consuming this material. What more, if they feel they are getting out of control, they can easily get help and get back to having normal lives.
Does the article hit a spot for you or someone that you love? Help them get help. Remember, not to stigmatise or alienate them.