Why New Year resolutions fail…and how to make them stick

One January-related joke goes: “I don’t believe it has been a year since I was supposed to be a better person.”

It makes reference to the brazen determination people approach the month with; ready to become better people in all aspects of life. But that resolve often fizzles away even before the January page on the calendar is flipped over.

Where do people go so wrong with New Year goals that they don’t materialise? And what can be done to ensure they stick? Lifestyle held a resolutions “clinic” with experts from various fields who shared their advice.

BECOMING A BETTER BELIEVER: Don’t make decisions based on guilt

It is the ambition of many to start the year in the good books of their creator — and to stay there. But walking the talk is not easy, and according to Rev Kamau Thairu of the Pangani Parish of the Presbyterian Church, the problem stems from how the decision is made.

“Most of these resolutions are done out of guilt; guilt in the sense that there are places in the previous year where you wanted to be but you haven’t, and you clearly know you didn’t put your best foot forward,” says Rev Kamau.

“So, at the turn of the new year you promise yourself ‘this year, I have to do XYZ’ often because of guilt: guilt of past failure; guilt of not giving it the best shot in the previous year. So, as soon as the guilt dissipates in the first month, you go back to factory settings. It is because goals that are driven by guilt only last for as long as the guilt is active in your life,” adds the preacher.

Rev Kamau advises that a resolution should be made with a sense of purpose — which is what one was called by God to do.

“For me, the sense of purpose should be in the matrix of what you were called by God to do, or what you were created to do,” he says.

FINANCES: Dreams collapse when there is no accountability

Saving more money is one of the top New Year resolutions, but it is not an easy one to keep. Ms Felista Wangari, who runs a personal finance community on Facebook called 52-week Savings Challenge Kenya, knows this only too well.

“People start well. In January, people are usually very committed and then as they go along they start dropping off, especially if they are relying on their own willpower,” she says.

“By February, people will have started dropping off. By March, now they are stopping with the explanation: ‘I’ll try again next year.’”

To stick to the dream of saving, Ms Wangari recommends automation. A person can instruct their bank or employer to send a certain amount of money to a separate savings account.

“Then, you don’t have to remember. Because I find that people either forget or they just get too exhausted,” says Ms Wangari. “At the bank level, you can open a separate savings account whereby then you have a standing order; an instruction like ‘when this money hits my account, Sh10,000 should be deducted immediately and channelled to my savings account.’”

The other way of getting a grip on one’s savings, advises Ms Wangari, is to have some form of accountability.

“You can even go as far as getting your own accountability partner; which is doing it with other people. And that’s how chamas work,” she says.

“So, you can decide that every month or every week or two, you are going to meet; and that you’ll talk about it on WhatsApp, have a phone call or meeting and just discuss where you are; like having someone who can check on you and help you stay on track,” advises Ms Wangari.

She also advises that a person needs to have a clear goal of what they will do with the money saved: “It will help you be more focused and use the money for things you feel made a difference in your life.”

CAREER GROWTH: Your plans should match your potential

Many will start the year with plans to scale the corporate ladder, get a better job, and generally grow in their field. But it doesn’t always happen.

You can be in charge of what happens in your career aspirations if you play your cards right, says Douglas Wanjala, the founder of The Bold CV Kenya, a career guidance firm.

“The first thing is personal drive, because sometimes people make goals based on what others are making,” he says.

“The problem most of my clients have is that they want to do it the same way someone else did it,” adds Mr Wanjala. “Then my question is: ‘Is that person you? Does that person have the same qualifications as you? Does that person have the same career history as you? Does that person have the same career ambitions as you have?’”

Mr Wanjala says being too ambitious will also make one feel discouraged and unlikely to realise their potential.

“Probably you’ll need to upskill; and that will take time. Probably, you will need to gain another certification. Probably it’s not a certification; only the number of years that are required to grow. And that calls for time,” he says, noting that it is important to set milestones to be scored on the way to the big break.

FITNESS JOURNEY: Start earlier than January

If January could speak, it would have problems counting the number of people who resolved to become fitter that month; people who hit gyms, treadmills and roads determined to shed fat.

It would also speak of the people who ran out of steam as soon as they started, postponing the dream to the next January then to infinity.

Mr Otieno Ogeda alias Zoezi Maisha, a personal trainer, says the drive to be fit peters out due to the way the decision is made in the first place. “Most people generally follow peer pressure,” he says.

“But fitness is a very, very tedious journey because it involves pain, time and a bit of resources. When I talk about resources, I’m referring to the right gear, the right gym, the right instructor. And time, of course, to create an hour in your daily schedule just to keep yourself fit,” he goes on.

He has come to observe that the general financial inadequacy among many people in January makes some more determined to exercise.

“By the end of January when they get their first salary, they go back to their old habits because they were probably just working out because they didn’t have anything in their pockets,” says Mr Ogeda, who calls himself a fitness activist.

One way to ensure one makes a viable resolution to be fitter is to start a few months earlier.

“I always remind people to start it as early as November or December in order to get the rhythm for the coming year,” says Mr Ogeda. “If you don’t have the rhythm, it will come as a shocker to you because it’s not a lifestyle you’re used to.”

ACADEMICS: Set aside time or forget about any achievements

There are those who start the year determined to upgrade their knowledge and add a certificate or two to those they have.

Prof Egara Kabaji, a professor of literary communication at the Masinde Muliro University of Science and Technology (MMUST), has seen a number of these. But not all see through that dream; and Prof Kabaji thinks it is because people are not ready to pay the price.

“The biggest challenge is not to make the pronouncement; it is to pay the price. Very many people want to do very many things but they do not consider the fact that in order to get what they want, they must pay the price,” he says.

“A goal must be specific. You can’t just say, ‘I’ll complete my studies’. No, that is not the point. You will have made a general statement, not a specific goal. So, you must make a specific goal, that ‘I will work towards my master’s on a daily basis and that I will do some little work on my masters every day for the coming 365 days.’ It is easier then to assess yourself at midnight and say, ‘What did I do on my work?’” adds Prof Kabaji.

“Now, after making the statement that you will do something, you will want to complete your master’s by making sure that you work on your project every day. That’s now a goal you want to achieve.”

Prof Kabaji, who has been a principal of the Turkana University College and also a deputy vice-chancellor at MMUST, says a person should set up a personal monitoring and evaluation mechanism.

“You must evaluate every evening and every week and every month, which means that if you have decided to dedicate three hours every day on your work for 365 days,  there will be a price to pay,” he says.

ADDICTION: Sudden withdrawal is rarely helpful

Many would love to start the year free from the manacles of whatever drug has been holding them hostage. Some quit momentarily in January before the adage of old habits dying hard comes to fore and they are back in the stranglehold of the drug.

Rechael Mbugwa, a psychologist  and an addiction counsellor, says the decision to quit is bold but it only formulates the beginning of a long journey.

“It is like when people decide to take a holiday. They don’t stop at the thought and the holiday happens,” she says.

To ensure the resolve comes to fruition, Ms Mbugwa says a person needs professional assessment to determine the root cause of the addiction.

“It ranges from unresolved issues, lifestyle, leisure to coping mechanisms, among others. Occasionally, addiction is normally a cover-up of a deeper seated issue than just substance of addiction,” she says.

Ms Mbugwa says it is important for a person to know the triggers to addiction.

“Understand your triggers and get a coping mechanism. In the initial stages, one may need to avoid them until he or she has built muscles to resist or withstand. This may include not hanging out in joints that stimulate you, or even people that may cause one to revisit old addiction behaviours,” advises Ms Mbugwa.

For the resolve to work, she says, one also needs a support system and making regular reviews of how they are progressing.

Some of the mistakes people make in this journey, she says, include underestimating the power of withdrawal symptoms and assuming they have power over the substance they are hooked to.

“Quitting suddenly instead of systematic consistent reduction is also a common mistake,” she says. “Another one is when people become too harsh on themselves, especially when they fail to meet set targets within a given timeline.”

BECOMING A BETTER LOVER: A neutral third party may help stabilise the storm

Some people in marriage or in relationships start the year determined to become better lovers and yearning for more fulfilling relationships.

Such an objective will crumble if you don’t address the things that hold you back from being passionate — according to Ms Mbugwa.

“A counselling professional can help you untangle that. When a person feels sick, they seek a doctor’s review. They don’t treat themselves. So should be relationships. It is important to see a neutral counselling professional who will help the person, or couple, achieve their goal in their relationship,” she advises.

Ms Mbugwa also calls for self-awareness, which will help a person understand their needs in a relationship.

“Relationship is as a result of involved partners being stable first as individuals then deciding to work on it as a team. Have a meeting with your partner and tell them about your resolutions for accountability; not to make demands on the other partner,” she says.

So, can a failing relationship be saved by New Year resolutions? Ms Mbugwa says the answer is both yes and no.

“It is yes if the partners agree to work on the relationship as a team,” she says. “There is always room for growth and a new chapter in a relationship can always be created.”

It can also be no if there is no action taken on the resolutions.

“If one partner is flying the relationship plane east and when the other partner takes over turns it west then the resolutions will not help until they agree on a common destination of their relationship,” she says.    BY DAILY NATION