I am 35, and have been dating a 45-year-old man for two years. He recently proposed marriage and I turned him down because I honestly don’t enjoy being intimate with him. Although we’re great friends and compatible in all other ways, I tolerate him in bed; there’s hardly any chemistry there. The thought of spending my entire life enduring that made me say no. However, my answer stung him to the point of him not talking to me. I don’t want to lose our friendship. What should I do?
Please hide my identity.
READERS’ADVISE
A good foundation to a long lasting relationship is honesty and openness. Communication is key, talk to him and express your concerns and fears. Tell him the reasons as to why you had to turn down his proposal for clarity and respect too. If he really loves you he’ll listen and maybe you both can get a solution. Sex is meant to be enjoyed by both parties, not one. Therefore, your word matters. Go to a sexologist or try other ways that work best for you and see if that will make things work.
Kelvine Munene
Forget about the so-called friendship, he is hurt and needs time to heal. For you, there is no point being with someone you aren’t comfortable with. Move on. Eventually, after some years, he might talk to you after accepting the outcome.
Wangui Koi Maggie
Oftentimes, you get dissatisfied because you are looking for your history experience in your present. Deal with the images in your mind then you will build his capabilities. EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS BUILT!
Evans Babu
Dear lady, please set the gentleman free for a girl that can tolerate his average bed capabilities. You want to have the cake and eat it at the same time? It doesn’t work that way. Choose one struggle and stick to it please. The gentleman did not need friendship alone, he needed a wife and it did not work for him, so set him free and move on with the guy you are cheating on him with because, how else did you find out which man you don’t connect with in bed and which one you do? Thank you and good luck.
Velma Kodiori
EXPERT’S TAKE
Your main issue right now is that you most likely dented his ego when you declined his marriage proposal. Only he knows how much emotion he has invested in those two years and he probably thought you were ready for the next level commitment. Then you shock him with a “no”. More to the point, you should have brought up the sexual matter instead of tolerating it because it has led you into a path where your friendship bond is at risk of never returning to what it was. Whatever you do, do not apologise. When you speak, be honest and tell him that you were not ready for his proposal. Thereafter it will be up to him to decide whether he wants you in his life. Whatever happens, I applaud you for making it about you.
Maurice Matheka, relationship counsellor
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
I’m 28 and have been dating this 24-year-old girl for the last three years. Last year, I realised she has been dating another man. Earlier, when I enquired from her about him, she used to claim the man is her very long time friend whom she met even before I knew her. I decided to stay with her even after realising she has been playing me, and try to forgive her. So, we spent a lot of time together last August and as a result, she became pregnant. During the time, I realised that the other man had also been asking her who I was. Via call, he confessed to me that he was told I’m her longtime friend and that’s all. He also said that they had dated for two years. After some personal assessment, I decided that I’m unable to forgive her, because the man is her neighbour and I don’t know what’s likely to happen between them when she returns home. But now, I don’t want to abandon my baby (I’m sure it’s mine because of the date of conception). What should I do?
Please hide my identity. BY DAILY NATION