There is a list of people in circulation. It originates from the Ethics and Anti-Corruption Commission (EACC) and it reads like a criminal charge sheet from the village court in Kolenyo. The EACC reports that they conducted a DNA test on everyone who applied to run in the August 9 marathon, and their lab results have produced some bad apples that fell off a tree whose planter they’re yet to establish.
The names range from presidential aspirants who’ve promised every house a lactating cow, to a former recording artiste who promoted aluminum spacesuits in his spare time as governor; to an MP with a PhD certificate in intellectual dishonesty.
Ordinarily, such a list would’ve been released at a colorful ceremony in the presence of sponsors bearing gifts for the well-behaved. The clean ones would receive wild cheers as they make their way to receive their clearance certificates, while those who finished in the bottom 10 of the integrity exams would be staggering to the front covering their heads in sack clothes to minimise the embarrassment they’d cause to their in-laws.
But we’re told the EACC doesn’t benefit from the Political Parties Fund and, hence, have no budget to call a rally at Uhuru Gardens to tell Kenyans those who’ve been giving the country a bad name.
Free breakfast and pocket change
The IEBC has since been warned not to touch their papers with a 10-foot pole, while Kenyans lining up at their homes for free breakfast and pocket change have also been asked to turn back and go to their nearest church for spiritual nourishment washed in the blood of someone everyone can vouch for.
In turn, the IEBC has said that their hands are tied on their backs and have no spare energy left to pick fights with the Judiciary, as the only oxygen tanks they’re left with have been reserved for the 2022 general elections.
This country has so many regulatory agencies that don’t talk to each other, and you can’t blame them because they’ve borrowed from the immaculate example of the President and his Deputy. This confusion has led to the Judiciary interpreting one law on integrity and opening a loophole in another, making cases drag in courts until the second coming of Jesus.
There has to be a way in which the law is used for public good. Our founding fathers fought for the pillars of the Judiciary to be fortified with powers in order to cushion them from a political shakedown.
Toothless regulatory bodies
They also asked for a Legislature that would pass laws without looking over their shoulders for a brown envelope beckoning them to meet it halfway at their nearest public washroom.
When you have MPs glossing over Acts of Parliament meant to ring-fence the integrity of our electoral process, we’re bound to have toothless regulatory bodies more porous than my grandmother’s kitchen sieve. It means the Judiciary has a hard time interpreting laws, because the same MPs who created the playing field know where they moved the corner flag and the penalty spot.
You can’t blame Kenyans for voting in leaders who don’t balance the integrity scale. We’re too underprivileged to hang around their high circles to know who among them touches the white powder with gloves, or uses one of their spouses as a gym bag every time they return home singing in Latin – and when incontrovertible evidence is presented before us to choose between Jesus and Barabbas, we shall always choose the latter because we’re good students of Religious Education and we wouldn’t want to fail the IEBC exams.
MPs have to decide whether they want to create constitutional bodies that truly have ferocious teeth and can transmit rabies to their political careers, or they stop creating more independent institutions for their cronies to chill in and chew taxpayers’ money as they wait for retirement. There’s no two ways about it. BY DAILY NATION