When outspoken massage therapist Stephen Kariuki went on a local talk show recently and declared his hatred for children, he incurred the wrath of a cross-section of his fan base.
Speaking on the Obinna Show, Kariuki’s aversion to children was so blatant that he threatened to walk out should the host bring a child on the show.
While these were his personal preferences, his views have sparked a debate about the extent to which men are involved in deciding when to have children.
And while his choice of words was a little strong, is there more to what he was saying?
Historically, social norms have often positioned women as the primary caregivers and those most directly associated with childbearing and parenting.
In many cultures, women are expected to desire and prioritize having children, while men are expected to provide and protect. These traditional roles can create an imbalance in discussions about family planning, leading some men to feel they have less say in the decision.
The ‘trapped’ debate
A number of men we spoke to felt “trapped” by women who put them on the path to fatherhood before they were ready for it. Given the choice, some said they preferred to stay in a relationship longer before becoming fathers.
The parental regrets create feelings in men that last for years, yet, due to customary dictates and political correctness, they cannot voice them publicly.
“The last thing I wanted when I got into the relationship was a child,” says Anthony Kagecha*.
“I was looking for a romantic companion. Nowhere did the issue of having children come up; had it come up, I would have expressed my views regarding the timing. Now I am a father because somebody decided that I should.”
That decision was taken away from him, and now, Kagecha is among men who are now labelled as deadbeat fathers, men who are absent from their child’s upbringing.
According to a local journalist, men are usually caught up in a situation where they fly too close to the sun, unaware of the immense heat that can melt their wings.
“A man will go out with a woman just to have a good time. The thrill gets the better of them and before he knows it, he is in ‘happyland’ and the consequences could not be far away. The last thing he had in mind was the girl becoming pregnant,” he says.
So, are men ‘trapped’ or is it a mere ‘accident’ when a woman utters the dreaded words, ‘I am pregnant’?
From a man’s perspective, a woman will use every trick in the book to get a seemingly reluctant man to commit to a long-term relationship, and for many, having a child with the man will do the trick.
As blogger Ann Silvers points out, some women will do it as a pre-emptive move, announcing the pregnancy just as the man is about to walk out of the relationship.
Many forms of coercion can be used to get a man to ‘toe the line’ including what has been described as sperm splurging or spermjacking (like carjacking). The terms are defined as “the involuntary collection of a man’s sperm, generally committed by females who desire to have a child with a male with no such desire.”
These actions have at times led to what experts call imposed paternity where a man becomes a father against his will or consent. The cases have been too numerous to recount. Here are two of the most publicised but bizarre cases.
A 40-year-old hotel cleaner in Las Vegas won a child custody battle over a man she never slept with. The woman impregnated herself with sperm collected from a garbage bin. It turned out the sperms were from a 28-year-old billionaire who had also inadvertently left his bank statement on a table in the hotel room.
“The paternity test [were] conducted and the young millionaire is the father. The court ordered him to pay the mother of the child $2 million for the three years of his son’s life he missed,” the Vanguard reported in 2019.
Another sensational case is the 2011 self-confession by Liz Jones, then a journalist at the Daily Mail. At first, Liz was not interested in children as she wanted to grow her career.
In her late 30s however, the desire for a child grew in her though her boyfriend, who she termed as “wildly unsuitable”, would hear none of it. The boyfriend was very cautious and refused to believe that Liz was on the pill. He insisted they must use a condom every time they had sex. As Jane would later do in Las Vegas, Liz devised a plan.
“The ‘theft’ itself was alarmingly easy to carry out,” she wrote. “One night, after sex, I took the used condom and, in the privacy of the bathroom, I did what I had to do. Bingo.”
Liz did not conceive but gave a poignant warning to all hesitant men.
“I don’t understand why more men aren’t wise to this risk — maybe sex addles their brain. So let me offer a warning to men wishing to avoid any chance of unwanted fatherhood: if a woman disappears to the loo immediately after sex, I suggest you find out exactly what she is up to,” wrote Liz.
While there are no known cases of such drastic actions by women in Kenya, past generations of men in the country found themselves in the family way through ‘soft coercion’ where they were showered with love to the point of ignoring the consequences.
David Kariuki, a photographer in his 40s and father of one says many marriages in Kenya are a result of such smooth approaches.
“There is nothing wrong if a man is interested in having children. I was not prepared for a child when she told me she was expecting. However, I later forged a close bond with the boy because it was not his fault. If you are not ready, utapangwa tu,” he says.
What can a man do?
But while much of the blame goes to the ‘conniving’ woman, the local journalist quoted earlier says men too, share the blame for not taking enough precautions. He says some men think it is taboo to put on a condom before sex, arguing that it takes away the pleasure of intimacy.
“I know of a case where a man insisted on not wearing a condom even though he was engaging in sex with a known prostitute. Such men think it is uncouth to put on the rubber. In any case, they never plan to have any lasting relationships with such women,” he says.
Richard Wafula, the corporate affairs manager and counselling psychologist at Amani Counselling Centre and Training Institute says whether the man was trapped or not, the child was conceived as a result of two people having a romantic relationship.
He says the man has a choice to either stay or leave a relationship where he is not physically or emotionally comfortable, adding that choosing to stay and forever lamenting about the entrapment will only make it difficult for him to move on.
“The first thing we do when we encounter such a man is to take him through the steps of acceptance,” says Wafula.
“There are those who have opted to leave and create another family where they feel comfortable but continue supporting the child in the previous relationship. They should deal with it since having a child with someone is not a life sentence. If you keep on lamenting, then you are the problem.”
Whether it was a trap or an accident, there is only one route to completely avoid getting on the road to fatherhood: zip up!
Both men and women must share in the decision to have children, as parenthood is a profound and life-changing commitment that affects not only their individual lives but also the dynamics of their relationship, their emotional well-being and the child’s future well-being.