The Hustler Government is alarmed by unverified reports currently circulating in the media that our God-fearing President opened the door for those who did not vote for us to come in and shake his hand last Sunday.
While we can neither confirm nor deny that our President’s hand has been in contact with some members of the opposition since the Bible came down at Kasarani six months ago, we wish to clarify that the engagement was purely for sharing out pellets of manna showered upon us by our diligent taxpayers and blessed by the clergy through monthly prayers at State House.
Those imputing improper motive on our beloved President accusing him of going to bed with the opposition should be careful with their choice of words, because there are some verbs only the First Lady is Biblically allowed to use. We would like to advise those advancing the gay and lesbian agenda in Kenya that the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego will not rescue them from the fiery furnace when His prophets come for them after Easter holidays.
Hustler manifesto
Contrary to popular belief, our prayerful president has been lowering the cost of living for selected members of the opposition who know their way around the State House kitchen store. Those who have been saying our president is not bothered by the plight of the needy may need to redefine some food security terminologies. In the hustler manifesto, even those earning more than one million shillings per month do not deserve to suffer when hunger and starvation visit our barren land.
Ordinarily, we would not have been bothered by accusations that the president’s handshake has been discriminatory and partisan, had we not have heard these opposition MPs claiming they came to State House to discuss development projects for their people back home.
While we do not claim to own any hustler in this country since slave ownership was banned before Kenya was born, we wish to clarify that those claiming to transact business with the government on behalf of their people will soon be required to display their brokerage license and pay taxes in arrears for it too.
Before you accuse us of planning to share the little you gave us with starving opposition MPs who have been forced to skip meals in order to afford their children’s fees in dilapidated public schools, we wish to bring to your attention the results of a random perception survey that was conducted among hustlers in Nairobi’s low-income neighbourhoods before the president stretched out his hand across the fence last Sunday.
A majority of hustlers who voted for us considered the high cost of living as their number one pain point. To address this challenge, an overwhelming number of hustlers support the president’s bold step to eradicate hunger and starvation among opposition MPs first as they are the ones who were chosen by God.
The Bible will not be happy if the hustlers ate first while their leaders who are supposed to deliver them from the power of darkness are starving in prayer. God loves cheerful givers and that’s why we shall donate the stranded sheep we rescued from Northlands farm to those who need it the most in six months’ time, which is historic.
However, a further two-thirds of hustlers surveyed said they have lately been having misgivings about the handshake.
They claim they have been forced to backtrack on their earlier support because that would mean half the country lining up at State House to erode the fingerprints of our God chosen President at a time the IMF and other multilateral lenders need the president’s fingerprints to be legible for him to secure more loans to buy opposition MPs and eradicate hunger from the top. They suggest for a win-win formula to be found where opposition MPs can still eat taxpayers’ money without tiring the hand of our president. BY DAILY NATION