So, you’ve decided to become a plant parent. Congratulations! But before you rush to the nearest nursery and impulsively adopt a Fiddle Leaf Fig (RIP to all the ones that didn’t make it), let’s get real.
Not all plants are created equal, and not all plant parents have the same level of commitment. Whether you’re a seasoned green thumb or someone who forgets to water their own existence, there’s a plant out there for you. Let’s find your leafy soulmate.
1. The “I Work 80 Hours a Week” Type
If your job is your entire personality, you need a plant that thrives on neglect. Enter: Snake Plant (Sansevieria). This bad boy doesn’t care if you forget it exists for weeks. Low light? No problem. Skipped watering? It prefers it that way. Think of it as the succulent’s cooler, taller cousin that doesn’t need constant reassurance.
Runner-up: ZZ Plant : it’s basically a plant-shaped statue that happens to be alive.
2. The “I Want a Jungle But Also Have Commitment Issues” Type
You love greenery, but consistency isn’t your thing. Meet Pothos (Epipremnum aureum), the plant that thrives on mild neglect and occasional affection. It grows fast, looks lush, and won’t throw a tantrum if you forget to water it once in a while. Plus, you can easily propagate it and convince your friends you’re a botanical wizard.
Runner-up: Spider Plant – survives anything and even rewards you with baby plants.
3. The “I Need a Plant That Won’t Die Instantly” Type
You’ve murdered a few plants in your time, and you’re looking for a comeback. Start with Aloe Vera. Not only does it forgive you for forgetting to water it, but it also has soothing gel inside in case you burn yourself trying to impress people with your cooking skills.
Runner-up: Cast Iron Plant – literally named because it’s almost indestructible.
4. The “I Want to Impress Guests” Type
You’re the kind of person who artfully places coffee table books and says things like, “Oh, this old thing? I just picked it up at a farmer’s market.” You need a Monstera Deliciosa. It’s stylish, it’s bold, and it looks like it belongs in a magazine. Plus, its leaves develop dramatic splits as it matures—talk about a glow-up.
Runner-up: Fiddle Leaf Fig – if you’re brave enough to commit.
5. The “I Need Something Cute and Tiny” Type
You love small things—tiny dogs, mini cupcakes, travel-sized shampoos. Succulents are your best bet. They’re adorable, come in all shapes and colors, and don’t need much except for bright light and occasional watering. Just try not to overwater them (a common tragic fate).
Runner-up: Air Plants – they don’t even need soil. They just vibe.
At the end of the day, whether you want a plant that thrives on neglect, screams “I have my life together,” or just looks cute on your home office or next to your TV stand, there’s a leafy friend out there for you.
Just remember: overwatering is the number one cause of plant homicide. Choose wisely, water sparingly, and may your home always be a little greener!
by HANNIE PETRA
