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| A couple cuddling |
So you’ve been around the block a few times? Racked up some frequent flyer miles on the Mattress Express. Played the field, sowed your wild oats and dipped your wick in more than a few.
But now you’ve met someone special and you’re wondering if your promiscuous past is going to derail a promising future. Fear not, my formerly frisky friend. With a little self-awareness and emotional maturity, even the most sexual of us can blossom into relationship rockstars.
The sexual phase: A necessary evil?
Let’s start by de-stigmatising the “hoeing phase” altogether. Contrary to societal double standards, there’s nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality and having a few (or a few dozen) casual encounters. In fact, it can be a healthy part of personal growth and discovering what you really want in a partner. The key is not to let it define you forever.
Honesty is the best policy
If you’re serious about moving from lust to love, the first step is to be open about your history. There is no need to list every name and number, but your partner deserves to know that you have a chequered past. Dropping this truth bomb early on will weed out anyone who can’t handle it and build trust with those who can. Trying to hide it will only lead to resentment and mistrust down the line, not to mention a very awkward conversation when your ex crashes your wedding.
Slow your roll
One of the biggest hurdles is breaking the habit of casual sex. If you’re used to instant gratification, slowing down to build emotional intimacy can feel agonising. But taking the time to get to know your partner as a whole person, not just a sex object, is crucial to making the transition to a committed relationship. Resist the urge to jump right into bed and focus instead on shared interests, values and life goals. Flirty texts and steamy make-out sessions are fair game but keep your pants on until you’re sure it’s more than just lust.Embrace your past, don’t erase It
Your wild days don’t have to be a dirty secret, but they don’t have to define your future either. Take pride in the person you’ve become and the lessons you’ve learned, like how to give an amazing massage or the perfect dirty talk technique. But don’t dwell on past exploits, unless you want to end up in a threesome with your partner and your ex. Your partner fell in love with you, not your ex. As long as you’re safe, healthy and consensual, that’s all that matters. Focus on building a healthy, fulfilling relationship in the present, not the past.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Open and honest communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, but it’s crucial when one partner has a more extensive sexual history. Talk regularly about boundaries, expectations and insecurities. If your partner is feeling jealous or insecure, validate and reassure them. The accumulation of resentment or fear will only lead to an insecure foundation for your relationship.
Patience and persistence
Moving from lust to love takes time, effort and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone, like actually cuddling after sex instead of passing out immediately. There will be bumps in the road, misunderstandings and moments of doubt. But the rewards are immeasurable if you’re both committed to making it work. With patience, persistence and lots of communication, even the wildest of hearts can find lasting love, like a phoenix rising from the ashes of one-night stands.
So take a deep breath, embrace your past and dive into your future. Who knows, that special someone might just be the one to turn your lust into a love that lasts a lifetime.
By Faye Oruko