Motherhood 101: Three women share their pregnancy and birth stories

Every parenting journey start with pregnancy, yet conversations on this foundational period are overshadowed by those about parenting.

The assumption that pregnancies are straightforward and all women should expect the same experience is misleading. Life starts at conception and both the child and the mother face unique challenges that could possibly impact the rest of their lives. In today’s edition, we let the mothers share their stories, undiluted, just to demonstrate the diversity when it comes to pregnancy as we highlight some of the gaps in ante-natal healthcare. From Joy who has experienced childbirth in Kenya and later in Qatar, a country with a world-class healthcare, to Sally, who is creating a space for mothers to talk about pregnancy and Nicole who chose a homebirth and became a doula thereafter.

Joy Quint, 37 years old, Aviation Professional, Founder of Chic Evangelist and mother of three

My first pregnancy was unexpected. I was 22 and I had just moved out. I was living in a single room in Mukuru Kwa Njenga. When I told my friend that I missed my period, she said I could be pregnant. We got a pregnancy test and the result was positive. It was shocking and difficult to process. The fact that I was in campus and not married were my first concerns. There was also a lot of stigma around getting pregnant out of wedlock and I hid from people. I contemplated an abortion and when I went to see a doctor for abortion pills, he promised to help me. But he gave me pills-which to date I believe must have been pregnancy pills because my mood improved and I was suddenly very happy.

The pregnancy turned out to be stress free. I didn’t have health complications and was able to pay for the things I needed because I had a job as a call centre agent.

Still, l had a number of fears to deal with.

First, I was constantly worried about my ability to give birth. When I got pregnant, I weighed 43kg and I kept wondering whether I would be able to push the baby out of my body. I also had a lot of “what if” questions in my mind that were not even related to pregnancy- “what if my child is rejected, will they have a good life, what if I suck at motherhood?”

I dealt with these fears by creating a community of people who understood me without judgement. I got a mentor who checked up on me very often and I prayed a lot because it was comforting. The doctor I had first seen was also part of my support system. He became my gynaecologist and he prepared me for what was to come ahead by sharing information with me. Even when I couldn’t afford to pay for the consultation, he kept seeing me. He set me up to go for clinics at Kenyatta National Hospital (KNH) when I was about to deliver. The staff at KNH were also kind to me.

My second and third pregnancies were not in Kenya, I was in Qatar, Doha. A lot had evolved and I felt like a newbie, because the second one was 10 years after the first. Being in a new country, things were different. For example, when I asked for a tetanus shot, I was told it was not necessary- that it’s only mandatory in developing countries where women are likely to give birth away from a medical facility. Also, it is illegal to not give birth at a medical facility in Qatar.

If am to compare the ante-natal health system in Kenya with Qatar’s-I would sound unfair. The health system in Doha is very established. There are primary health centres and private clinics which cost a lot more. But even when you go to a regular health centre, you only need to register with a small amount- equivalent to about Sh3500. With this you get a card which you use to see a healthcare expert every week, get your vitamins and everything you need during the pregnancy. If they notice that you need to see a specialist, they refer you and wherever you go, the healthcare providers can access your information using your ID, because all the data is stored digitally. This helps them know exactly what you need and what to do. Maternal healthcare is not expensive in Qatar. There are only three scans during the pregnancy and the cost is about Sh1500 for each. During the delivery, you only pay for the bed and most people are normally discharged after 24 hours because the system is very efficient. There is a really major disparity with the experience here in Kenya.

My message to a new mother going through their first pregnancy; be gentle with yourself because you are discovering and experiencing new things. Your body is changing and working hard to give your baby the best experience. Ask questions when you go for clinics. Don’t rely entirely on the internet because the information is not really tailored for Kenyan context. Create a community of people who understand you. When you go for those clinics, talk to other women. You don’t have to figure everything out right now; you can learn along the way. Have your priorities right which is to be healthy and remember to speak up when something does not feel right. Lastly, stay in the moment and go through the experience authentically without too much planning. Sometimes, planning a lot can take away the joy of being pregnant.

Sally Kuria, 30, Mother of 2 and Podcaster at Mama Tales.

I found out about my first pregnancy a month after I got married. I was feeling unwell and I went to the hospital, took some tests and the doctor found a cyst in my uterus. As the doctor was explaining about the cyst and which specialist to see, he added that “the pregnancy should be fine”. My partner and I were both shocked to hear that I was pregnant. I was excited and numb at the same time.

Before this big news, I wanted to give birth away from the hospital, with a midwife and a gynaecologist. It could have been at a birthing centre. I’ve always thought hospitals treat pregnancy like a sickness and I think there are a lot of unnecessary interventions which sometimes take advantage of the naivety of a new mom. But with the cyst I felt compelled to give birth at a hospital in case of complications.

This first pregnancy was quite stressful. I had just quit my job hoping to build a business before the kids come but the first one was unexpected. I went through career grief as I spent many hours alone during the day with just my thoughts.

During this period, I had to confront many myths and learn a lot on my own. The most interesting one was that people glow and they are very happy during pregnancy. I had a glow during the first three weeks, but the first three months are horrible. During pregnancy your skin darkens in odd places and this is not the glow we are promised. You have to change the way you dress and your entire being as you’ve known it fades away. Another interesting fact I learned is that you never know when you’re going to give birth even though you are given a date at the hospital. With the first pregnancy, you might not know when your labour starts and the suspense of waiting can be overwhelming. To prepare my body for birth, I took prenatal yoga classes and worked out till the last week.

When my labour finally started, my water did not break, it was leaking and I noticed a bit of colour which means it had meconium or the first stool that a baby passes after birth. The doctors told me that I only had 24 hours to give birth before the baby’s health is compromised by the meconium.

After the 24 hours lapsed, I was told the baby was in the wrong position and I had to go for caesarean section which went well. However, the anaesthesia wore out before time. When I notified the doctor, it was panic mode as they tried to salvage the situation. I was put to sleep and when I woke up, my first thought was, “I’m not pregnant anymore”. It was now a different ball game as I had to figure new things out. I had a few complications after birth. My stomach was getting bigger and I couldn’t pass stool or gas. I had to go through a procedure to remove the blockage. I went through the procedure twice and after the first day I went home crying. Post-partum was not easy either.

Though pregnancies are different, working with experts who understand you helps. I had a gynaecologist from the beginning all the way to post-partum. Walking the journey with her made a big difference. She was very helpful in my second delivery and she even came with an anaesthesiologist. After delivery, I worked with a lactation consultant since I was not producing milk. I tried searching for answers online but there was a lot of misleading content.

The second pregnancy was not a crisis like the first. I grew some backbone alone the way. I also established a network of experts during the first pregnancy and we were in tune with the risk factors to watch out for. The delivery was through selective CS and it was scheduled because my son was not in the right position and he was also quite big at 3.8kg, plus he was two weeks early.

Right after the first post-partum I looked back and I was shocked at everything that had happened. My experience was far from what celebrity mothers online sold to us. I had lost my hairline, my waistline and I was completely a different person. I decided to share my experience on Instagram. I talked about everything candidly without sugar-coating and after a while people started sending me messages. I realised that conversations about pregnancy and child birth are not as raw and open as they should be.

One night I had an idea to host a podcast where more people would come and share their stories. I was still unsure whether mothers would be willing to share. But I tried it anyway. I got a mic and recorded the first three episodes by myself and more people kept coming on board to talk about their experiences. After listening to so many stories, I learned that sometimes all a mother want is to be heard and be seen, without judgement.

I’d advice women to listen to their gut, even more than they listen to other people. Question things and try to understand the logic behind every advice.

Nicole Adera, 26, a doula, podcaster and mother of 1

I first got pregnant when I was 23. I had just gotten married and I was actively trying to conceive. It didn’t take too long, perhaps because I had been preparing my body for pregnancy for three years prior. I had purged the products I use, cleaned my diet and got in shape to sustain the pregnancy when the time comes. While listening to a podcast, I found out about home births and it resonated with me. I made up my mind to do a similar birth. I only needed to get a midwife but by the time I was giving birth we couldn’t afford one.

My pregnancy was surprisingly pleasant. I thought I would be swollen and be miserable, but on the contrary, I felt beautiful and feminine and I really enjoyed being pregnant. The biggest challenge was trying to protect the decision I had made to have a home birth. A lot of people were worried, especially my parents and so I had to reassure them that I knew what I was doing and I had back up just in case of a complication. I was presented with a lot of negative stories and blocking everything was not easy.

My delivery was quite simple. I was with my husband and a couple of my best friends. Initially, I had food, a playlist and candles prepared for the delivery but I didn’t use any of them. Instead of preparing for an emergency like going to the hospital, it was more about making the space relaxing. I tried to get a pool for a water birth, but I couldn’t get one because of the pandemic. Water baths are relaxing and the transition for the baby is much calmer with a pool. Water also reduces the risk of tearing for mothers.

I started labour at 7 pm, the night before and we started timing. I did my hair as I waited for the baby before the contractions got intense at around 6 am in the morning. When I got into transition, it was a bit overwhelming, I started vomiting and going to the toilet a lot. I had mentally prepared for a three-day labour but by day two I couldn’t imagine bearing with it for three days. I had been checking the baby’s position throughout the pregnancy and I knew she was head down during labour. At 12:42 noon of day two, my baby came. It was a beautiful moment when she came out. She cried and pooped on my leg. We then went to the bedroom and hang out for a while. My friends cleaned out the living room and one of them cleaned my placenta. Then I had chips and slept. It was as simple as that.

Though home births are not conventional, I chose to give birth this way because hospitals can be intimidating with so many activities, people putting fingers in your body and other mothers screaming as they deliver. This is all too stressful. Going through my first pregnancy made me realise there is a major gap when it comes to ante-natal healthcare. When women go for clinics, they wait for hours to see the doctor, yet they only get 15 minutes and that doesn’t cover all the necessary factors- like risks, medical history and mental wellbeing. During labour there are a lot of interventions. Women are not allowed to have natural births anymore. My understanding of childbirth is that the environment should be relaxing, with privacy and no interruptions but maternity wards tend to be very chaotic unless you pay for a private room, which is very costly. After delivery, experts don’t pay attention to mothers, as long as the baby is okay. But the birth experience can be traumatic to your body and your mental health. Some women leave the hospital feeling violated while others feel like they have conquered something difficult, yet there is no follow-up for the mothers to make sure they are fine.

Right now, I’m expecting my second born. I am slightly more nervous than I was with the first one. I have a bit of eczema but it is still an enjoyable pregnancy. I hope to get a birth pool this time. After the first birth, I became a doula- I offer emotional support as well as education on birth to women and their partners. I teach them what happens during labour, what your body needs and what works against it, breathing exercises and how to manage your pain. I teach about the history of birth and the differences between experts. I talk to them about post-partum and how to adjust to changes. Doulas originated from the 60s when women in America (and later in China) began to prefer low-intervention, natural births. Historically, birth was a communal event and there were women offering these kinds of services but right now pregnancy happens in isolated situations. A lot of my clients are second time mums who did not like their first hospital delivery. Most of them are looking for a natural birth with fewer medical interventions.      BY DAILY NATION