Kindly hide my identity. I’m a 36-year-old male and have been married since December 2019. One month after marriage, I suffered erectile dysfunction and I have not recovered to date. I have visited one hospital after another, all in vain. Recently, I went to KNH Doctors’ Plaza and found the best urologist. He recommended some tablets but after taking them for a month, nothing has changed. I feel stressed, my wife has since moved to another room since I can’t do anything in bed. Even if she is naked in front of me, I can’t erect, morning erections disappeared completely. Kindly post this so that I can get assisted by fellow Kenyans on what to do. At first, I thought that my testosterone levels were low but after getting tested all was well. I haven’t had a baby since 2019 because I can’t have sex with my wife. Kindly help me.
READERS ADVICE
Don’t worry, most of the male reproductive problems are treatable. Your case could be more psychological than physical. See a psychotherapist and a sex therapist.
W. Kagochi Kuira, counselor Nyeri
I feel your pain. It is unfortunate and heartbreaking when you can’t rise up to the occasion as intended. Nothing hurts more than a man who can’t erect when needed to. Even though you have visited many hospitals, I suggest you don’t give up. Keep trying. Above all, what is impossible to men it possible to God. Prayer of faith can turn tables!
~Rev Geoffrey Avudiko.
Mitume,Kitale.
Your situation is more psychological. Most men in their 20s to 40s grew up believing sex to be what is enacted by ‘male actors’ in pornographic films, that you must have a ‘firm erection’ at all times. During intimate sessions with the female partners, most men focus on having a ‘firm erection’ by engaging the conscious mind instead of enjoying the moment by focusing on the woman’s beauty. This leads to tension between the mind and body, hence an erection failure occurs. A vicious cycle then follows in which the female partner starts to doubt if the man is still attracted to her. Remember your younger days when you could get erections, it was when your mind and body were relaxed though the subconscious mind, you did not have to think about it, it just happened. During sex, concentrate on ‘the present’ (she is beautiful) instead of ‘planning for the future’ (will I get a firm erection or will it fail like last time?) Maintain physical touch with your wife during this period by giving her a sensual massage as you work on getting better on this healing journey, which requires practice and patience.
Ricky, Nairobi
This might be a medical condition or spiritual. This guy should live stress-free and if at all he has some projects to do, let his mind be at peace, please, because men can’t multitask. On the other hand, let him seek God’s intervention, you can go to Rev Mwai of Jesus Winner Ministry Roysambu.
Dorcus Ongaki
EXPERT’S TAKE
A man in your condition could be suffering from both a physical and psychological disposition. Looking at the timing, your inability to get sexually aroused started a month after your wedding, which cannot be overlooked. A slight change in psychological perception brought on by the newly gained marital status has been known to depreciate sexual desire. It is definitely a condition I have come across. What I recommend is that we schedule a consult session so that I can perform a full profile on you to map out how best we can reboot your sexual body’s receptors, which will translate to you regaining your ability to achieve an erection.
Relationship counsellor, Maurice Matheka
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
Greetings Kindly Help.
I married in 2016 and we got our firstborn in 2017. In 2018, she got pregnant though I had doubts that I still hold to date. I remember when she delivered the boy in 2019, she overheard me say “huyo mtoto hanifanani (that baby doesn’t look like me). I never carried the child till he turned one, and I have been contemplating doing a DNA test but each time, fear sets it and I end up not doing it. As a result of the 2018 -2019 issues with my wife, I made another woman pregnant, she gave birth to a baby girl whom I really love and care for. From 2017 to 2021, my wife was a housewife until we started a diaper shop, and within six months of running it, she met another man, causing constant problems in our relationship. At one time, I left the house and rented a hotel room for two weeks. Back in the house, I made her aware that her cheating had affected my desire for her, so we no longer had sex.
In September 2021, I noticed she was pregnant, around the same time, I found out that the wife of the man she was moving with had confronted her. I came home one evening and she started demanding that we separate and each of us takes one child, which I refused. I looked her in the eye and told her that I am aware she was seeing another man, and will allow her to go live with him, but that no child was leaving.
The following morning, I packed my belongings and ensured that she also removed everything she wanted from the house before I left with kids to my mother’s. After two days, as I returned to Nairobi for an assignment, my wife called and requested that we meet and talk, which we did. She admitted to cheating and I told her that I was aware of it and the fact that she is pregnant. I was driving, so I started speeding and threatening to cause an accident that will kill both of us. Panicking, she started calling her lover. As we approached some town, she opened the car door, which made me to stop. A mob gathered wanting to kill me and she didn’t intervene. Luckily, there was a police station nearby where I was booked in. After explaining my predicament, I was let go and asked to stay away from her.
I left for home, but she again contacted me the following day asking to talk to the kids, which I refused. She persisted and out of family pressure, I allowed her back on condition that she terminates the pregnancy, which she obliged. Upon returning, she behaved well for some few months, then slid back to her behavior of reprimanding and shouting at me. I later moved her to our native home, but every time I am with her, I remember how she had sex with another man and got pregnant. Recently, I have been suspecting her of having an affair with my cousin. I am tired of the relationship and I don’t know how to end it.
Post as anonymous. BY DAILY NATION