Hi Pastor Kitoto
I left an abusive marriage that lasted five years to find peace. After some time, I met another man who was 15 years older than me. He proposed marriage and I accepted even though I wasn’t in love with him. I think a part of me was worried about my advancing age –I am 38 years old–and rushed to settle down. I thought I would grow to love him with time.
We have a baby whom he adores. He is a good husband and a loving father. However, I am unhappy and feel trapped in this loveless marriage. I can’t tell him that I never loved him as that would be quite hurtful. What should I do?
Hi
“I thought I will grow in love with time…” This is a familiar phrase among those who enter marriage hoping to catch the vibe later on. Consequently, such unions end in break up when one or both parties cannot bear to keep up the lies any more. This begs the question: “Why are we easily deceived by our feelings?”
We have forgotten that it takes two to grow a healthy committed relationship. Love is a choice; it is not based on feelings. It works when two people lay down selfishness and embrace a sober mind. When we allow selfishness to take the lead, the result will be pain and disappointment.
I am sorry things have not gone the way you expected. However, entering a relationship has both an intimate part and a responsibility part. Sexual intimacy was not the way to ignite the love you were looking for in the relationship. Your dream for a loving, healthy and enjoyable relationship was overtaken by a fear of getting late for marriage.
Currently, you are feeling guilty of entering a marriage where you did not have love towards your partner before being intimate. On the other hand, this man has shown love and care towards you. To this end, you don’t seem to have a problem. He is generally what most women would like to have in a husband—caring, loving and protective of the relationship.
As such, I am of the opinion that, he is not to blame for all that happened. He is convinced that you equally love and care about him. The indifference you feel now is as a result of failing to come clean in the first place. However, as far as he is concerned, commitment to you and the relationship speaks for itself. What you need to ask yourself is: What makes you feel the way you do? Is it the fact that he is older? Did your expectations go unmet in as far as the qualities a husband are concerned?
I am convinced that, there are moments you are happy because you are in a stable caring relationship. However, the key to the future will be living life with the right convictions about your relationship. If your convictions about marriage are going in opposite direction to the values exhibited in the relationship, then evaluate what matters to you most. It will build down to answering the question, “What meets the expectations of a heathy marriage?”
I suggest that: First, get rid of your guilt and fears and determine what is the best for both of you. I am afraid that you mind is currently loaded with the guilt associated with your past actions. This will not be heathy for your future. Second, do not act out of the desperation you feel but chose to be sober and reason out what is right. This man has not abused or neglected you. To the contrary, he has proved to be a great husband. Let your current convictions be governed by the realities you face and the attributes that make a great home.
Third, the decision to stay with him will be a personal choice you have to make. To this end, some candid discussions on the kind of future you want will be necessary. Look for ways to discuss your fears without jeopardising what you both have. Fourth, balance your emotional state with reason. Don’t let your barometer in discerning love be compromised by feelings alone. Allow yourself to rediscover this man without nuisance from the past. Judge him for who he is.
My personal belief is that; any man can marry any woman. What matters is whether their common or merger areas do not compromise the core values of a heathy marriage like understanding, faithfulness and respect. When you cast such a broad net, you are not likely to fail. What you should not do is to continue living a lie. You will only hurt yourself and in the end hurt him when the truth comes out. BY DAILY NATION