Some wives are very caring. That was my conclusion when I met Rispah at the Sexology Clinic. She came consulting on behalf of her husband, James, who was sliding into depression.
“He started by saying that his penis was small and that it had been shrinking over time,” Rispah said. “A year ago his ejaculations started coming rather quickly and after three episodes, he kept off sex and grew distant, insisting that he was abnormal.”
All the while, Rispah reassured James that she was fine with their sex life. Unlike many instances where women get worked up and throw in one or two negative words, Rispah remained supportive and respectful even as James deteriorated, becoming distant and withdrawing from his friends and family. He also underperformed at his place of work and was put on performance improvement. He risked losing his job.
“I did not want his ego to crash,” Rispah said, “I know that a man’s confidence is quite connected to his sexuality and I did my best to help but things quickly slid out of my control.”
Realising that her support was not helping, Rispah decided to seek help at the clinic. She was 42 while James had just celebrated his 50th birthday. The couple had been married for 17 years and had two children. I asked that James comes to the Clinic for in-person assessment. Rispah contacted him and he accepted my invitation but insisted that he would come alone for the consultation.
“The reason I wanted to be here alone is that a lot of things have been worrying me, some of which Rispah may not have noticed and which I would not want her to know,” James said when he came for the consultation. “I used to masturbate when I was young and now I think it affected me because now my ejaculate is very little.”
In my assessment, James, like many men, did not know what normal sexuality for a man should be and what to expect as age catches up. We therefore went through parameters that a man should be aware of.
For one, almost 90 percent of men have masturbated at one point or another. This commonly happens in teenage years as one discovers their sexuality. A few men masturbate on and off thereafter. Many men stop when they start partner sex. Masturbation has no life-long effects medically, save for the cultural and religious stigma that make one feel guilty about it.
Then there is the issue of premature ejaculation.
Age factor
On average, many men ejaculate within five to seven minutes during penetrative sex. As a man ages, they may ejaculate faster than before. Sometimes this deterioration meets the threshold for premature ejaculation where sex leaves one or both partners dissatisfied. This may call for treatment.
Time taken to recover from one round of sex to another also increases with age. After ejaculation, most men go into a state of inertia when they do not feel like having sex and when they cannot get aroused. This state is quite brief in younger men and can be a few minutes. As men age however, recovery takes longer and can be many hours, sometimes a whole 24 hours. The tragedy, then, is that if ejaculation was premature, the woman will be left hanging for hours on end while the man feels helpless and under pressure to act. This can cause psychological distress that only worsens the man’s condition.
Keen men may also notice that the volume of their ejaculation is reducing as they age. This can worry them. It is however important to note that fertility remains even with the reduced volume of ejaculate. Men should therefore continue taking precautions to avoid unplanned pregnancies.
Then there is the frequency of sex. It is important to note that there is no agreed normal frequency of sex. What matters is that you and your partner are happy with the frequency. In one study almost half of couples were found to have sex one to three times a week. Another good number, almost a third, were having sex one to two times a month. In other words, over 75 percent of couples have sex every month.
The rest have less frequent contact. The frequency reduces with advancing age. What matters is that you should both be happy with the frequency, otherwise it’s important to seek help to avoid discontent in the relationship.
One caution is that couples should strive to avoid sexual boredom. In 80 percent of cases, sex is equated to vaginal penetration. Oral sex is also very common with up to 80percent of men reporting that it happens in their relationships. As age catches up, the need to discover your partner’s love language and explore burtons that turn them on increases. Couples should strive to change for the better and improve their sex lives before they are overtaken by natural changes which unfortunately are inevitable. BY DAILY NATION