The hustler government is alarmed at reports that some unnamed executives in the previous regime succeeded in arm-twisting the Controller of Budget to engage in sinful activities against her will.
When we told you that our competitors are the ones the devil will use as firewood to warm hell’s oven on the day of judgement, you were quick to ask us to stop assuming the image of God, even though you’re yet to show us what image we should use.
We would like to take this earliest opportunity to stand in solidarity with Dr Margaret Nyakang’o, and all victims of blackmail all over the country on this weekend of the International Women’s Day.
The hustler government makes a promise to pardon all civil servants who worked in the previous regime and are afraid of losing their jobs, on condition that they’re willing to say all the bad things about their former bosses while praising us as God’s greatest gift to humankind since His son Jesus Christ. Those who won’t oblige are reminded that we’re already in the period of Lent, and it’s not beyond us to crucify them over Easter to save the country from focusing on real issues.
Bathroom choir
Because we’re an equal opportunity employer, victims of blackmail from the previous regime would be glad to hear they aren’t the only ones singing our praises in the bathroom choir. The following are the other categories of hustlers who will also be protected from doing what their conscience does not approve of.
One is Dr Fred Matiang’i. This week, our former friend swung by the DCI offices hoping to tell us why he had been visiting foreign countries without permission from those he did not vote for. While a majority of our supporters expected us to detain him until he composed freedom songs in honour of sons of Mau Mau, we declined the temptation to force him to sign on his charge sheet.
Had that been our competitors who worship wood carvings and pray while facing their stomach, they would’ve written him strongly coded WhatsApp messages with a warning that the President would call him to choose between forgiveness and the beans in Kamiti.
Two are jobless hustlers, without whom we wouldn’t be lining up prayer rallies to upgrade our proficiency in speaking in tongues — the only language the rains are fluent in.
Since Dr Nyakang’o accused the government of hijacking her office pen, forcing her sign some things her eyes couldn’t see well, we have instructed all regional commanders not to blackmail any jobless graduate refusing to apply for a job, simply because they still don’t have enough shares to in the Hustler Company.
Military recruitment
We will proceed with only those who want to support us by registering as members.
As our new Secretary-General said exactly last week, only those youths who will have party ID cards shall be given first priority when the next military recruitment comes to town.
Three are bandits. Look at the bandits. When we offered them a grace period to hand over their guns for safekeeping, we didn’t force them to do so unlike our competitors who don’t believe in beating heads.
And even after their refusal to surrender the guns they bought with their own money in compensation for a peaceful sleep, we would’ve sent the police to raid their homes and threatened them with hell fire, but we have chosen to fight them in the battlefield, because the hustler government respects families and we wouldn’t want to defile their private spaces with broken English.
We are also aware that this reduction in the level of trust is what has caused bandits not to believe anything we are telling them. We don’t know how we can demonstrate it so they know we were serious about it, but we promise it shall be in six months’ time, which is historic. BY DAILY NATION