Very few people are prepared for the reality of divorce — it’s actually a rollercoaster you can’t get off
If you are in an unhappy marriage, it’s tempting to imagine that being single again will solve all your problems.
But very few people are prepared for the reality of divorce. Unhappy spouses focus on the things they expect to be better, like fewer arguments and greater personal freedom. But divorce is actually a rollercoaster you can’t get off.
Separating finances, selling houses and agreeing child custody are all highly emotional. Suddenly you’ve no partner to share your worries and fears with. Even if it was your choice, you’ll feel a profound sense of loss for what might have been. And your self-identity will never be the same again.
Being a single woman living with children is hard. Being a man living away from his children is hard. Dealing with an ex is hard. All too soon new relationships will start to form, creating rivalries for attention and money. And that’s hard for everyone.
So don’t be deceived by friends who seem to have bounced right back. Because people rarely tell you about their heartache and grief. If money is already tight, that won’t improve with two homes to run on the same income. So before you leave a relationship that was once happy, ask if you can afford it. Is turning your entire life upside down really better than putting some real effort into trying to fix things?
Unhappy spouses assume that divorce will rid them of a partner they’ve grown to despise, so they start withdrawing emotionally from their marriage, speeding its end. But if you have children together, then you’ll be co-parenting for many years to come. So you won’t be saying goodbye to your ex anytime soon. And if you think your relationship is bad now, wait till you start being spiteful to each other via your children.
Even though you’re spending less time together, you’ll have to put a lot more effort into the relationship. Even though you’re not sharing a home any more, you’ll still have to get along. Because successful co-parenting means teamwork. Never badmouthing each other. Attending stuff together. Parents’ evenings. Graduations. Weddings.
At least a third of divorcees wish they could put the clock back. And even really difficult relationships can be fixed, if you’re both willing to listen to each other’s point of view. Most marriages fail because of a lack of empathy and the inability to understand the root causes of the problems. Forever seeing your partner’s faults and never noticing your own.
So before you jump, ask yourself whether you’ve really tried to work at your relationship? What’s changed since the time you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? How could you understand and support one another better?
Could you put more fun and independence into your marriage? Have you ever told your partner what you need from them? Do you even know what your needs are? And are you sure your partner couldn’t meet them, if they knew what they were? BY DAILY NATION