Dear Mr President,
There’s this thing we’ve been seeing in the news lately about the second coming of tough economic times.
We wonder who in your Government decided to change Jesus’ name barely three weeks after his birth. Kindly clarify if His father in heaven is aware of this baptism because we don’t want problems with those who voted for us during the last elections.
As you recall your honest men and prayerful women from their Mt Kenya soft life retreat, could you also inquire from them why they’re asking hustlers to tighten their belts?
We cannot tighten what we don’t have, as we already exchanged the leather with food during the livestock offtake programme last year, but some of your Cabinet members might not know this because they only interact with poverty in World Bank policy documents.
Mr President,
We hate to teach you how to run your government because you’ve eaten more books than our village goats. However, hustlers are humbly requesting you tell your Cabinet to tone down the threatening alerts. If we don’t plant trees we shall roast in a hell furnace.
DNA home test kit
If we abandon our wildlife we shall see dollars only in history books. Worse still, we’re now hearing reports that if Kenyan men don’t return home early every evening, the DNA home test kit will give our children to that neighbour who brushes his teeth with sandpaper.
Mr President,
You’re the one who famously remarked that Kenya has a shortage of brainless people. We have consistently resisted the urge to ask you to check your sources again because men of God don’t speak like men of man. We can now say you were right, even when you were wrong.
You’re the one who stood on sunroofs and made our elections an economic competition. Not on one occasion did you invite any of us to put words in your holy mouth. When asked how you would finance those lofty promises, you reminded us that you weren’t born yesterday – even my grandmother’s cat knows your date of birth isn’t January 14, 2023.
When you moved around the country campaigning you claimed it was the handshake that dropped our bread in the mud. You also accused those born of dynasty of seeing you with bad eyes because you’re a child of nobody. Now that your children are of somebody, you’ve decided to throw us under the bus as your Cabinet flies for a retreat in exclusive resorts you convinced us will not be used by your Government because you were keen to save us money.
Mr President,
We don’t need your Cabinet to remind us that bad things are coming to finish us and we should start running. We have nowhere to run to; and even if we did, there’s no one who has volunteered to take care of the country in our absence.
Hustlers are pleading that you kindly inform your Ministers that if they can’t sell us the hope you used as bait to fish votes from our pockets, they should convert it to Hustler Fund and let us borrow it with interest. We’re willing to pay for our mistakes at the ballot if you give us the funding you promised during the campaigns.
It’s barely four months since you promised us heaven, we read the Bible and have the faintest idea of how many marbles of gold are plated in every spoon they use up there. We’re ready to sing nonstop for our Lord, please meet your end and bring us the milk and honey.
But if this is too much to ask Mr President, we request that you let us know promptly. We’re also children of honest men and prayerful women, and we will go to the foot of Mt Kenya ourselves and turn to our traditional gods – at least your Deputy seems to suggest they answer prayers much faster. BY DAILY NATION