I am in love with a divorced man who is 40 years old and a father of three. We have dated for a while and I am well acquainted with his children. Although I am 26 years old, I have a job and don’t depend on this man financially. I just love him. Should I continue with this relationship?
Hi
There are no guarantees any person or counsellor can give when it comes to a man and a woman’s happiness in marriage. All we do is to advise. However, it is the application of what you know and the way it is received that matters. And this, no one can provide a perfect script.
Since relationships are dynamic and spontaneous, there is a need to clean up your relational environment among many other factors for the growth of a healthy relationship. Currently, you are 26 and in love with a 40-year-old who has three children, could this be a worry? In addition, you are in a relationship with a man who left his first wife. How much do you know of the causes and impact of the separation on him and the children?
Most times love has no boundaries—whether religious, ethnic or age. What then matters when it comes to making things work? First, relationships must be authentic. It is interesting to note how much you already know about this man. Healthy relationships depend on timely, honest and verifiable disclosure from either partner. This is what generates an environment of trust and faithfulness in the relationship.
Although you are not explicit, one can read in between the lines and see that there are some things that worry you about this relationship. The question is how much you have been able to interrogate this information you know about him?
Second, relationships must be based on the right values. You may need to ask: Why have I been attracted to this man? What do I see in him that makes me comfortable to get into a relationship? Relationships must go beyond temporal benefits like money, children and status. The truth is that children will come into a marriage and leave for their new homes. What matters is whether you see in your partner’s values adding value to the relationship. Such values must be able to hold us together into old age. Remember, the vows remind us, “till death do part.” Doubts, if any, can kill a marriage.
Third, relationships demand good relational intelligence. What are you reading from what you see? You need to apply what you know so that you can positively influence your partner. For example, what knowledge do you have about the children, their mother, and reasons for the break-up. Emotional intelligence is about getting the best out of what you perceive, hear, and feel about your partner. Attraction alone cannot do. A case in point is, although you are not dependable on his finances, how much do you share in common on financial management in a relationship?
The perception you have about your financial independence should not be supported by shallow reasoning. Because relationships demand responsibility, you have to question everything from an angle of responsibility. How responsible is he with his finances before and now? Does he support his children? Wrong perceptions of self or how we understand our partner should not be filled with clutter or noise because this will distort your decisions. Your perception should be foundational to the love you have for him –whether he has money or not, older and with children or not.
Deal with the past
I have come to appreciate the fact that emotional intelligence has the capacity to enhance our judgment and response in many areas. Beyond the love you have for him, you have to question whether you are ready to be a wife and mother of three children. How are you processing this?
You need to interrogate and deal with the issue of the biological mother/s of the three children. Are the children from one mother, how did your boyfriend part ways with her? If they had issues in the relationship, how were they resolved? What responsibilities are there when it comes to the upkeep of the children? Is he the one dealing with it? More so, have the issues that led to the divorce been adequately addressed and resolved. The way he handled the previous wife will disclose the kind of values and temperaments he has.
The current discomfort you could be feeling if not given attention could pose danger to the relationship in the future. The reasons for any discomforts could be the failure to consider the values we need to ascribe to. When identified and repaired, areas of misunderstanding will not destroy the foundation laid. The question here is to ensure that he has dealt with all the baggage of the previous relationships. In particular, divorce in itself does not resolve the issues faced in a relationship. If one person has flaws, it will be carried into the next relationship. He must do a good job at confronting, resolving and learning from the issue that caused the separation.
This will call for good conflict management so as to avoid a recurrence or reinfection. Since coming against headwinds is a common occurrence in relationships, every action is important in redirecting the relationship forward. BY DAILY NATION