My wife confessed to having an affair, what should I do?

Hi Kitoto,

I am in my early 30s, my wife is in her late 20s and we are blessed with one child. I went abroad for a year and when I came back, I found out that she was having an affair. This was with a man she met through a business that I set up for her.

I confronted her and she confessed to the affair. I am hurt and deeply saddened by her actions. I have not discussed this with anyone and it is hurting me whenever I think about it. Please advise me on what to do next.

Troubled man.

Hi,

From your narration, your wounds are arising from the fact that your wife fell in love with some stranger and ended up engaging in an extramarital affair with him. Of course, this is heartbreaking and some can even call it the ultimate betrayal.

 Before you do anything, I suggest you be sober and seek inner healing.

This may mean that you acknowledge the weakness and imperfections she carried along since the marriage began that probably led her to cheat on you.

In fact, what you are facing is not strange but a common occurrence in many young relationships today. Without my appearing to defend her wrong choices, easy access to unregulated online media has exposed many to a promiscuous lifestyle. In your case, it appears you were away when this relationship was developing. Absence added to the fact that she was unable to control the desires of the flesh making her fall into the temptation of being unfaithful to you.

Another issue to ponder on is whether the two of you subscribe to any set of values that guide your relationship. With the lack of proper core values that are shared between the two of you, the chances of such behaviour occurring are high.

Read: Should I confront my husband about his secret family?

You feel betrayed and let down by her choices and actions. Does she feel the same? If she doesn’t, it means the values you hold for this relationship are not shared, they are not mutually agreed on.

My conviction is that although spouses make some bad mistakes, this can change if both are willing to make better choices and live differently. However, this is a journey that can only start if you are willing to heal and make a new start. Getting this new start will not be easy—and particularly for you because you are the one who has been betrayed, but it is possible to heal with time.

After making the decision to heal, you have to follow this by making a conscious choice on whether you are willing to forgive and start again or not. If there is a willingness, I suggest that you try and identify what led her to get into an affair. This will be achieved through honest conversation to get to the root of the issues. Some of the things you will be seeking to understand include:

Is she fond of watching sexually explicit movies? Does she enjoy dirty jokes? Was she led astray by the wrong company? Such activities could just prime one towards promiscuous behavior. In addition, is she willing to stop? These are issues you have to navigate with her.

When it comes to choosing a life partner, we must ensure the choice aligns with an acceptable criteria or standard? Unfortunately, many get into relationships out of passion and not necessarily based on true pillars of building authentic relationships.

My caution is to never date or marry someone just for how good they are in bed and fail to look at their values. Relationships are about choices and the will to be committed to them. It is clear that she did not keep her commitment to the relationship. Therefore, as much as there are attractive and seductive men and women out there, there is a need to stay committed by taking a stand against such seduction. That said, it reveals the weakness that may need to be fixed in the relationship.

Read: My husband cheated on me with our nannies

I suggest that you keep an open mind on hearing about her interpretation of your shared values/beliefs. As you remain a good listener and take time to evaluate what you hear, you will determine your next steps of action.

As much as you feel disappointed and wounded, truly listening to her will help you get to the core of what drives her. I am of the opinion that some practices in relationships are driven by beliefs and practices that can be changed. At the end of the day, it will be necessary for you to count the cost of repairing this relationship and whether you are willing to make the sacrifice. Is the relationship worth the sacrifice?   BY DAILY NATION