All children tell lies, so don’t worry! It’s a normal part of growing up. And don’t punish them
We all lie, all the time. But when our children start lying we get upset! Should we be?
Probably not. Because all children lie, usually starting around three years old. Their first lies can be truly absurd because small children often don’t realise what they’re saying isn’t true. For a three-year-old, fact and fantasy are all mixed up, as in pretend play. And they’re not really trying to mislead you, because small children believe that adults know everything.
But as they figure out that adults can be misled, they begin to lie deliberately. So most three-year-olds will own up to doing something wrong if you ask, but far fewer four-year-olds and very few six-year-olds will.
Trying it out
Children’s lying peaks when they’re around four to six when they tell endless whoppers for no apparent reason. It’s because they’ve just learned about lying and are trying it out. But as they slowly realise that it also has it’s downsides, they get more subtle and lie less.
And of course, they’re really just copying us! Think how you encourage them to tell the small social lies that make someone else feel better, like telling them to say they like a present they’ve been given when really they don’t. Of course, you also discourage them from telling all the other sorts of lies, but even seven-year-olds don’t really grasp the difference. So even if they understand that you think it’s wrong to lie, they still do. Maybe to please you. Or to avoid punishment. Or to make themselves look good.
So, what should you do when your child starts lying? Well, all children tell lies, so don’t worry! It’s a normal part of growing up. And don’t punish them. It doesn’t seem to work anyway and they really don’t understand why you’re getting cross about it. Instead, when they’re very young, say how you are proud of them when they tell the truth, and when they’re older explain how they’ll feel good for not lying. Both approaches work very well as does explaining the benefits of being honest. Like being trusted, for example.
Grit your teeth
Humour works too. So if your child says they’ve washed their face when it’s quite obvious they haven’t, try laughing about how they must have used dry water and would they mind going back and using wet water this time?
Above all, praise them whenever they’re honest and don’t put them in situations where lying will get them out of trouble. Like asking whether they did something wrong when you’ve no way of establishing the facts.
Lying’s only a serious issue if there’s also other difficulties such as your child being moody, withdrawn or angry. That might suggest that they’re having problems of some sort, maybe at school or with friends, and you should try to find out what’s going on. Otherwise, just grit your teeth and wait for them to grow out of it! BY DAILY NATION