Last Saturday was the height of political tension in the country. After using their phone calculators to tally presidential votes for over three days and without being sure who the winner was, most Kenyans had reached the peak of their anxiety and some had simply resigned to fate.
It was amidst this that I got a call from the chairman of the Men’s Conference. He asked me to join them for a 7pm meeting.
The Men’s Conference is the men’s version of Chama. The male outfit granted me a membership to provide them with expert evidence on matters of sex.
“We have decided to take a break from politics and talk about the problem of children interfering with our sex lives,” said the Chairperson.
There were murmurs in the room interrupted by sounds of beer being poured into glasses.
During these meetings, the men insist that they are able to discuss matters of national importance better when their throats are well irrigated.
“Yes, we have very cunning wives,” a member started off, “when they do not want to be intimate they will have the baby sleep in the middle and pretend that the baby is not feeling well. It is not fair.” There was cheering and clapping.
“So tell us what to do because we are suffering in this cold,” the chairperson surmised.
It is true that the arrival of children in a marriage does disrupt intimacy. Studies have repeatedly shown the arrival of a baby signifies a downward trend in intimacy and unless managed it can lead to marital dissatisfaction, increased conflict, and even separation.
For one, parenting usurps physical energy. The baby breastfeeds, taking away nutrients from the mother. They also have different sleeping patterns and can keep disrupting your sleep throughout the night.
Sleep deprivation leads to fatigue, and worsens physical exhaustion. Remember also that the baby needs to play and depending on their age, they require a lot of attention and playtime, mostly with the mother.
All these in addition to increased cleaning, cooking, and medical care, that comes with the arrival of the baby can drain the woman completely.
“I warned you people that this doctor is always biased in favour of women,” a member shouted from the back, “our mothers used to do all those chores and still have sex with their husbands.”
There were murmurs in the room until the chairman ordered members to calm down and allow me to continue with the talk.
Another problem that comes with a baby is the change in body image. Most women do not feel beautiful following the body changes that come with childbearing. Some men reinforce this by making negative comments about the women’s tummy, breasts, or physique.
Negative body image is known to make women lose interest in sex; if anything, how can you desire sex when your body is not sexy?
“Well, well doctor, so what exactly do you want us to do so that our sex lives do not collapse because of babies?” the chairman asked, noting that people were interested in solutions rather than the exposition of the problem.
One important point of note is that children grow better when they notice deep intimacy between their parents. This is a paradox because, in the first place, they are the disruptors of intimacy. But what this means is that couples have to look at the bigger picture.
Some of the problems you face when the baby is young are a passing cloud and as the child grows, you get off them and so you need to adjust and maintain a level of understanding adoration, and love for your wife during the difficult early days of parenting.
Know that you will be building a foundation for better growth for your child which will stay with them for the rest of their lives.
This is how one wise man put it: ‘there is nothing as profitable to a child as the father showing love to their mother; they grow up in peace with no anxiety and are unlikely to develop deviant behaviour.’
Secondly, get your hands dirty. Be part of your child’s care.
“No, I say no, you are now crossing the line, do not expect me to change pampers,” one member shouted. He was already tipsy.
Saving the woman some energy by helping with the chores will mean that her energy can be redirected towards sex. In fact, when a woman feels that you care, they become more intimate.
But there is one thing that should not be allowed: the baby on the marital bed! From the very beginning, there should be a baby cot. As soon as the baby is weaned off breastfeeding, they should be moved to a different room. A couple needs their privacy and your loving baby should not be the one to invade your bedroom.
“Well understood and you can also tell the women these things,” the chairman said while closing the meeting. BY DAILY NATION