We should not use morality to stigmatise single parents, there is more to their stories than meets the eye
Although Chama is composed of married women, they have friends who are single parents and they felt something was a miss when President Kenyatta made a clarion call to stakeholders to tackle the issue of single parenthood in his Madaraka Day speech. A Chama meeting was hurriedly held last Saturday to interrogate this issue. As you may already know, Chama is a women’s only social welfare group of which I am the only male member.
“We are interested to know if those who are single parents are sexual deviants and if their sexual behaviours are at variance,” the chairperson said while introducing the topic.
“My friend is a single parent; will their children have normal sexual behaviour?” another member asked.
“What about the men who are single parents, do their children grow up normally?” the vice chairperson asked.
It is true that single parenthood families have been increasing over the years. From 25 per cent households headed by a single parent in 2009, the number has shot to four out of 10 (or 40 percent) households three years ago, according to data from the Kenyan National Housing and Population census of 2019.
The ratio varies from country to country and from one social group to another with African Americans toping at close to 52 percent. In many cases, single mothers are much more than single fathers.
“But doctor, who do you really classify as a single parent, is a widowed person a single parent?” a member asked, “because every child is the product of two people coming together.” There were many giggles as members burst out laughing.
And yes widows and widowers are single parents but the trend has been that widowed single parents have been reducing as single parenthood due to other causes increase.
“So it is not a case of absentee husbands, the ones in long distance relationships or those who appear home after midnight and leave before children wake up?” another member asked.
“Yes, or those drunkards who are a liability to the family and depend on the woman for upkeep?” another member said, “are they not worse than being a single parent?”
What Chama members were saying is that even the definition of single parenthood needs to be relooked. Some husbands or even wives add no value to parenthood beyond siring babies.
But back to the topic, are single parents’ sexual behaviours any different? Social research shows that irrespective of having had a child or not, there is no significant difference in the number of sexual encounters, sex partners or sexual satisfaction among men and women of the same age. In other words, it is not true that the women or men who are single parents have irresponsible sexual behaviours.
What research shows is that the age at which people marry has been increasing over the years. The age at which people start having sex has, however remained the same or increased only minimally. In other words, there is more sex outside marriage than ever before because of the increasing age of marriage.
Another important finding is that it is the poor and uneducated who are at a higher risk of childbearing. The educated and wealthier families are able to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Hence, social status is a big factor in single parenthood. When the rich are having safe sex and getting education, skills and jobs, the poor are having unprotected sex and conceiving. The issue of single parenthood is therefore mostly a social justice issue rather than a difference in how people behave sexually.
Then there is the issue of children brought up by single parents; do they differ in their sexual behaviours compared to those brought up by two parents? Studies show there is no difference. Neither is there a difference between those brought up by their mothers compared to fathers.
“I think we also need to think of moral implications of some of these issues we are discussing,” a member said rather emotionally, “I can see the direction this discussion is taking, you want to justify that single parenting is okay but does it fit with our moral values?” There were murmurs in the room.
“I grew up in a single-parent family because my dad was abusive and my mum had to leave, I do not understand what morality we are talking about here; what my mum did was the moral thing,” a member interjected.
“What about those of us who were in polygamous marriages and our dads abandoned us for another woman?” another member said, “what did you expect us to do other than accept our fate that we were children of a single mother?”
Moral issues around single parenthood are difficult and the moment we remove our biases we begin to see the complexities around it. We should therefore never use morality to stigmatise single parents, there is more to their stories than meets the eye.
As the Chama meeting came to an end, it was obvious that I had not and may never be able to answer all questions about single parenthood. Maybe that is why making it a public discourse is an exercise in futility. BY DAILY NATION