The Finance Bill – proposing the increase of the price of maize, wheat and cassava flour – was up for debate this week. Many Kenyans had switched off their pocket radios to protect themselves from noise pollution from Parliament, until news came through that MPs had played like Ronaldo.
In a rare show of solidarity with the people, MPs rejected the Treasury’s proposal to increase taxes and excise duty charged on maize, wheat and cassava flour, among other basic commodities, leading Kenyans to ask the government to check whether our MPs were okay, after behaving in a manner likely to suggest that they’re yet to part ways with common sense by mutual consent.
You have to pinch yourself and wonder if you aren’t dreaming. If a national poll was to be conducted among Kenyans on what Kenyan MPs are famous for, watching out for public interest would be competing with spoilt votes among the bottom 100.
Lucrative tenders
We’re used to Kenyan MPs having sharp noses for lucrative tenders and slippery throats for ingesting public money first and chewing it later.
We thank MPs for taking time to listen to the ground explaining in diagrams why it has not been producing healthy crops after separating with the price of fertilisers. We kindly request the government to be lenient to MPs who have branded government vehicles for personal campaigns, because Kenyans can confirm that MPs have been using taxpayers’ money to buy ear buds only, and have no money left to print even one campaign poster.
It’s reassuring to note that our MPs can take time off their busy schedule to go back to Parliament to ask the Treasury to remove the heavy financial boot off the neck of suffering Kenyans.
It might have taken them five years to come to come to their senses, but we thank them for their belated intervention and promise to return to church tomorrow to ask God to remove last week’s prayer request asking Him to make all MPs grow a boil in soft places.
Our only remaining prayer request is for God to appear to them in a dream reminding them to start using mouthwash twice every day – before and after speaking at a political rally, to reduce the spread of oral germs that cause hate speech.
Lacking ears
On behalf of all Kenyans, we wish to tender our unreserved apology to all MPs for accusing them of lacking ears without checking with their mirrors first. We are sincerely sorry for causing you discomposure, discomfiture, disconcertion and other discos.
We have refused to listen to your haters who are asking why the fruits of your hard labour have chosen to begin ripening just when you’ve been asked to come back and wash our utensils for votes. We’re truly sorry for not being patient with you as you woke up early every morning to safeguard the interests of your families first and those of Kenyans in the fifth year. Everyone now knows that you work hard for your people and whoever is found casting aspersions – on your intentions to lower the cost of living – will be frogmarched their nearest NG-CDF office, and forced to pledge allegiance while facing Parliament Road.
To atone for our sense of poor eyesight, we are making a commitment to stand by all MPs in their quest to increase their allowances in order to buy the broad spectrum of hearing aids. We need them to continue listening to the grievances of suffering Kenyans and, going forward, we shall also write to the Kenya Roads Board asking them to allocate one standby grader at Parliament Buildings to remove any obstacle standing in the way of their hearing. BY DAILY NATION