Dear Philip,
I have been dating my girlfriend for two years. We recently moved in together. So far, it has been fantastic for the most part. However, I am deeply worried about our deteriorating sex life. Things are getting worse every day.
Before we moved in together, we used to enjoy amazing sex. Nowadays, she treats it like a chore. It is very difficult for me to get her interested in being intimate. When I succeed, she gets tired too quickly and snaps out of the mood.
I tried talking to her about it but there has been no improvement. We even tried spicing things a bit by cooking together, going out but nothing seems to be working. Most evenings she claims to be sleepy or just tired.
Recently, I started getting some physical exercises such as swimming, hiking and morning runs to see if it’ll reduce my libido. Unfortunately, these activities seem to be boosting my energy, adding to my frustration.
My ex started talking to me and we’ve been on a couple of hangouts where it felt that sex is a possibility. I’m getting tempted but I’d like to stay clean.
What can I do?
Hi
It appears from your narration that you moved in with your girlfriend of two years and that the two of you are living together. If I am not wrong, the two of you are not yet married but just having fun together. In this kind of scenario, it is unclear from my part what agreement exists between the two of you.
I ask this because sex is beyond and act to being an intimate relationship that calls for greater investment for it to work and bring fulfilment. You seem to paint the picture that sex for the two of you was the bond that sealed everything and determined the level of satisfaction. Sadly, sex has become the gauge and habit that you look forward tow. In fact, the going out you do is aimed at one thing, “a great sex life later.”
This attitude has the potential of hurting the relationship. I am convinced that, the appetite for sex is something you need to tame and place it in context if the both of you are going to build a strong relationship. Do remember that, when you were away from her it created a greater expectation when you meet. Why do you find it hard to exercise self-control and use the time to build the relationship in full context and realise that sex is just but a part of a great relationship?
Let me also mention that, a healthy relationship is founded on other things more than just sex. Every spouse should understand that it is not every day a couple will have sex for varying reasons—even if they are married. We need to be considerate of our partner’s emotional baggage or stresses that they carry from the day. In addition, being a physical process, sex can and most times is tiring.
Define the relationship
Garry Smalley discusses two issues that are of importance: First, if we truly love someone, we have to give them the respect they deserve. When she says No, and you seem to be of a different opinion, how does she see that? Your value of her should be seen in the way you treat her and prove to her that she is more than sex—she is a special friend.
Second, it is important to take dominion over life and actions and instead stop pointing your finger at her. As I mentioned, sex is both an emotional and physical process that works better when we take responsibility. Of course, I hear you on the suggestions you have made on taking her out. But I would request that it should not be done with sex as an end game.
The foundation the two of you have laid could enhance or kill your well-intended relationship. For example, “Where is your relationship headed? Are you just having a “good time” or there is something more to this relationship. Your answer to this could impact what occupies your girlfriend’s mind when it comes to being intimate with you.
For most women, sex is part of the whole. It involves the mind, emotions, and her life during the day and the reason the two of you are together. One or all such issues can arise and it kills a well-intended moment. That is why I would advise that you look at your relationship in totality with sex being a part and not the end game.
Finally, you have to revisit your definition of the current relationship. Looking at how things are developing with your former girlfriend, one would wonder if you have this current relationship for personal benefit—that is sex. How do you download to each other what is pending in the mind? If indeed sex remains the thing that defines your relationship, then the two of you are walking on shaky ground. Allow her space to express her feelings without fear or intimidation. Listen to her and ask yourself if the answers your partner gives make sense even though they leave your sexually starved. No one in the relationship should feel like they are being used or they are being turned into a tool for the benefit of the other person.
This kind of feeling devalues the relationships of the people we think we love. Consequently, people must be seen for who they are. She is not just a tool or a number. This should challenge the common school of thought you currently have and change the way you relate to her.
This is particularly so due to the modelling we see from today’s cultural, which places sex at the forefront of everything else in marriage. Both of you must know and be convinced that this relationship is as good as what you hold in your minds to be true about each other. Relating intelligently will require a great amount of energy and support from either of you. BY DAILY NATION