What single men really think about dating in their 30’s

Back in 2005, a friend in his late 30s shared his frustration at how he was yet to meet the woman of his dreams. 

It made me wonder what exactly women look for because here was a man who had all that a woman would dream of, but his dating life was a mess. 

“I feel helpless. I don’t understand what women look for. There is so much pressure from society to appear secure, strong, and unemotional, but I am almost losing out, why can’t I find a potential spouse?” he posed. 

He is not alone. Most men often face significant personal challenges, including too much pressure from society to settle, lack of suitable suitors, frustrations in failed relationships, and dating stressors in an era where one has to exhibit their love life online to fit in. 

Even so, most men don’t divulge their relationship pressure as most prefer to keep quiet and suffer silently.

According to Dr. Florence Wairimu, a counseling psychologist, society label single man in their 30’s, as either men who can’t get emotionally attached, are responsibility averse, or playboys. 

But, for most men in their 30’s, the therapist says, their dating life doesn’t actually match those narratives.

We spoke to four men who shared their dating experiences and why they are shy to date. 

‘Women today have too many expectations and drink too much’

Michael Musembi, 36, Governance Consultant and IT specialist

“I started dating when I was 26 and it was an awesome experience. My girlfriend was easy to deal with and we enjoyed spending time together. I remember how she would come and stay in my house for a month and this strengthened our bond. We envisioned our lives together until life took a tragic turn when her father passed on from cancer and she became mentally ill. I was frustrated and felt like my world was torn apart. I did all I could to convince the family that she needed medical attention, but all my efforts were ridiculed. I became helpless and my ego was affected to see the love of my life battling depression. 

I tried to support her emotionally but she was often violent, abusive, and would hallucinate. No matter how much I wanted to be with her, I couldn’t because my wellbeing was endangered and I had to quit the relationship.

Since then my dating has been hard because there is some breed of women with too many expectations. They want a man who earns a certain amount, and what the man should spend on them. 

I am an easy man and I don’t like complications and I think that’s why it has taken a long time to settle. I have also encountered women who drink too much alcohol just like the song by Samidoh that says ‘unakunywa kuliko baba yako’. I believe in discipline, hard work, and building a life with a partner. When you hit 30, there is no time to waste. That is why men need to take things slowly until they find the right woman to settle down with. I believe there are good women out there, but I am yet to get one who is ready to settle.”

‘I look for my departed wife in women’

Surnie David Kagua, 38, a businessman

“Life has not been easy for me since my wife passed on in March 2017, during childbirth. By then I was 29 and my wife 28, and both of us were equipped for marriage. My wife was such an amazing wife and losing her with the baby was very traumatising. After she died, there was too much pressure from society and some people would say ‘Dawa ya mutumia ni mutumia’ (for you to overcome this you must remarry). I was devastated, helpless, agitated, and confused, and felt like no one understood how much I loved my wife.

Dating in my 30s has been tough as I have often found myself looking for a partner whose qualities match that of my wife and this leads to disappointment. There is too much pressure from society especially when you hit 35 and many keep questioning when you will have a family. Once, I almost go into the wrong relationship because of the pressure to settle down. At first, I thought she was a keeper only to realise that she was dating other men.

Through counseling, I have been able to process the grief and trauma of losing my partner at a young age, and now am looking at things differently. There are good women but one has to be careful not to settle for less because of pressure.”

‘I am laying the foundation for my political career first’

Innocent Kimbua, 31, a business person and politician

“At 30, a man is probably settling into a career 

and is making some money. This is a delicate stage with a lot of peer pressure to hang out with friends, party, and enjoy the moment of here and now. For me, I have not given too much emphasis on dating because I am in the political space and I want to first lay the foundation before settling down in marriage. I believe that the mind must be ready to pursue any goal in life. Relationships take work and one must give it quality time. I am taking my time and when I am ready, I will get to the dating phase.”

‘Most young women want moneyed men’

Abraham Nyongesa, 31, Electrical Engineer

“Dating has not been a walk in the park. One of the challenges is getting somebody who is mature. You get ladies in their early 20s who are too jumpy and that can be really frustrating. Many young women too are going for wealthy men. I have just started my career and of course, you can’t compare me with a man who has been working for decades. I have met women who have high expectations of what I should offer in the relationship and when their wishes are not met they end up cheating. I am building myself and eventually I know I will settle with a woman who loves me for who I am and not what I have.”   BY DAILY NATION