Q: I have been married for 17 years and we have two sons. I’m a staunch Christian having been brought up by a bishop’s father. I believed that sex before marriage is a sin and prayed for a pure girl to marry. I was a virgin before I wed. Three months ago, my wife received a long call from a man and it sounded like a close friend. I questioned her about it and we started arguing. She then confessed that he was her first boyfriend and they were intimate. I felt cheated. She asked for forgiveness and promised to discontinue her communication with him. The problem is I can’t cope with the reality that she lied to me she was a virgin. I have some strange imaginations of them getting intimate. How do I cope with this news?
A: It looks like your wife’s beliefs were not quite as strong as yours. Despite her past sexual history, please know that she is still the same person that you met, fell in love with, and married. The only difference now is that you thought she was a virgin when you met and she was not. From your letter, your wife does not have any other flaw other than the fact she lied to you. You really need to decide if you are ready to trade your marriage of 17 years for a lie she told in the past. The thing to do here is not to judge her, but to ask yourself whether you would have married her if you would have known the truth. If the answer is “no”, then it is important to ask yourself whether you would have denied yourself these last 25 years of a happy marriage. Would that be worth it, in your view? The lesson to draw is that your requirement to have a virgin was inflated in importance. Do not now let that requirement be so important that you put a cold rule ahead of the woman you have shared your life with. On the haunting imaginations of your wife’s boyfriend, it could suggest you are still “stuck” on this issue, which can become an obsession that will destroy your marriage. You must understand that you are using her sexual past to punish yourself (and her) and it might be unnecessary at this point. You may consider visiting a counselor. BY DAILY NATION