I received an email the other day, that accused me of writing on matters that are better left to the bedroom and not a public platform.
I wasn’t surprised. As I have delivered this column I have received both hate and praise. Still, I understand why some would be displeased by my content, after all, we come from a conservative environment where sex matters are never discussed—sometimes even among couples.
Unfortunately, here is where the problem begins. Sexual issues are medical matters, and intimacy plays a large part in the success of a relationship. The belief that sex problems are not medical and so should not be treated in hospitals leads people to use unproven treatments or suffer in silence, sometimes with severe social and psychological consequences.
When not adequately addressed, by the right professional, they may lead to divorce or worse self-harm.
So is the case of Joel. He is here to see me because his premature ejaculation problem is making him contemplate suicide.
Joel was 37, single, and had only had two intimate relationships in his life. Both were short-lived. The woman in the first relationship walked out after six months. Joel was 28 and suffered severe premature ejaculation. When touched by the woman he would immediately climax.
“By the time the woman was ready for penetration I was done,” he explained, “she got frustrated and left.”
But it is not the premature ejaculation that was making Joel contemplate suicide; family pressure and discrimination were becoming unbearable. He was the second born in a family of five and all his siblings were married and had children.
“There have been several family meetings to discuss my case,” he explained, “the verdict from all the meetings has been that I am irresponsible and disrespectful.” The reason for the verdict was that everyone had tried to help him get a woman to marry but he would always find a way to escape. The family finally gave up.
“A month ago, my father explained how he had divided his wealth among his children,” Joel explained, “everyone got some good measure of his wealth, I had none.”
The reason Joel was not given any inheritance is that, according to his father, he had refused to live up to the family values. Without a wife and children, his father did not see a reason to share the inheritance. This hit Joel hard.
He immediately pursued a workmate – Joyce. They had been friends and it was easy for him to express his love. Three days later Joyce was in his apartment for a sleepover. As soon as she touched him, he got excited and ejaculated. That was the end of their sexual encounter for the night.
With family stigma, no inheritance, and two failed relationships, Joel decided he had nothing to live for.
“I do not know how many people Joyce has told that I am a sexual wreck.”
My assessment of Joel was that he was suffering from severe premature ejaculation. He also had depression arising from the sex problem and family pressure. The depression was severe and lead to suicidal ideation. It was unsafe to let him go back to his house. I, therefore, admitted him to undergo treatment for the depression.
“So if you admit me to treat depression how does that help my sex situation?” He asked, “Can you please prioritise treatment for my sex problem?”
Incidentally, it was the first time Joel was seeking treatment for the sex problem. With all the distress he had suffered both in his two relationships and at the family level, he never sought treatment for the problem. I asked him why he had taken too long to seek help.
“I only learnt the other day that such problems are treated in the hospital,” he said, “I never knew this until I heard it in a radio program.”
So one thing was clear: it was not the premature ejaculation that was the problem, it was the health-seeking behavior. Joel’s case called for treatment of depression first followed by treatment for premature ejaculation on discharge. BY DAILY NATION