Schedule regular dates to discuss your relationship

 

Most couples go out on dates mostly to just unwind and have fun away from the kids. But how about dedicating time to talking specifically about your relationship? What’s working and what’s not?

You may wonder why such a meeting would be necessary when you probably see each other every day and often talk about your daily events. But Benson Olendo and Lillian Wanja, who have been married for eight years, say this has been a game changer in their marriage.

“This is something we started integrating into our marriage in 2019 and it has worked wonders,” says Olendo. “It has helped us nip potential conflicts in the bud, way before they get out of hand.”
Olendo and his wife have a scheduled date every two months, and they use the time to evaluate their relationship.

“This happens in most companies. If we can do it at our places of work, why can’t we do it for our homes or marriages?” he poses. “The dates serve a variety of purposes. On top of giving us the chance to air grievances before they breed resentment, it  allows us to realistically evaluate what, as individuals, we could do to improve our relationship,” he explains.

He says that as ironic as it may sound, he and his wife step out of the relationship during those dates and go into “business partner mode” where they truthfully assess any emerging issues that could be causing damage to their relationship, before going offering suggestions on how to relate better. They also check whether they have grown as a couple.

He says that after the meetings, both of them are able to discuss in detail some of the issues that they may have only talked about in passing during the two months.
“It is at these meetings that we openly speak about the points of concern that could have been brushed aside because the time or place wasn’t right, or for any other reason. We usually go on a real deep dive,” he says.

Olendo’s wife, Lillian, says that this has enabled them smooth out the sticky issues at different intervals in their marriage, resulting in a more harmonious existence at home.
She says, “We don’t just reconnect as a couple during those three hours of the date.

any weeks afterwards, we find that we’re on the same page on most things that would have potentially caused fights. This has made our union and family life more harmonious and orderly. And because we’re not always on a collision path or fighting all the time, our sex life, which was almost non-existent when we sought help at our church, has greatly improved.” 

“During the dates, we switch off our phones and pay full attention to each other. This forces us to have conversations that we might have otherwise ignored. Now, we understand each other on another level that wasn’t possible two years ago,” he says. “We also go over our finances and discuss projects. 

“It did not seem romantic when this strategy was first suggested to us by a relationship counselor we were seeing at our church, but now we completely appreciate it. It has brought balance, and an immeasurable amount of satisfaction to our marriage,” says Wanja.

According to this couple, if you want a fulfilling, fun-filled, long-lasting and all-round healthy marriage, you have to be very intentional about creating an enabling environment – and going on regular dates is one way of doing that.

“When you take care of your relationship, most other aspects of your life will fall into place,” adds Olendo. “We would certainly recommend this strategy to others. Whether your relationship is in the rocks or not, it is a great way to stay in sync and work effectively as a team.”

Marriage counselor Prof Catherine Gachutha says that all couples should occasionally schedule dates where they go away from familiar territory or set up at least monthly dinners where they only talk candidly about issues in their relationship  or their goals.
“Don’t fall into the trap of thinking, ‘but we see each other every day’. Even if that is so, what fraction of that time finds you fully present and paying full attention to your significant other?” she poses.

Prof Gachutha says that the occasional meetings help individual partners off-load concerns crouching on the mental bandwidth, and help bring closure to any unanswered questions or resolve any misgivings.

“If managed right, couples can use the time to figure out how to resolve problems and minimise them in the future, before they become mountains. This can stop a marriage from losing its luster.”

The therapist says, “It is a kind of couple's maintenance therapy session that they do purely on their own. If all couples did this, they might never get to the level where they need to seek help from experts like us.”

But she advises couples who are willing to try this to not only focus on the bad, but to also recap on what things they feel their spouses are doing right, or what things have improved since their last meeting.

“Even though they’re essentially troubleshooting dates, couples should also discuss the things they are grateful for. Let the meetings also be about taking stock and appreciating what has changed for the better,” says Prof Gachutha. “You can also use this time to appreciate each other’s effort in making the relationship work.”

If done productively, she says, the whole exercise can lay the foundation for greater connection, emotionally, physically and spiritually.     BY DAILY NATION