Here’s how the scars from childhood could affect your intimacy

 

At the Sexology Clinic, it is not every day that we get clients the type of George and Mercy. I attended to them last Tuesday and informed them that I will tell their story so that people in similar situations can benefit. The two have been courting for six months now and have a wedding scheduled for December this year.

“We have given ourselves enough time to prepare for the ceremony and more importantly, the union of our bodies,” George explained.

“We want to have a satisfying sexual life when we consummate our marriage,” Mercy quipped.

George is aged 36 while Mercy is 34. George is a pastor while Mercy is a banker. Mercy is also the choir leader in the church where George ministers.

“We have not had sex yet. Our faith does not allow sex before marriage and what worries us is that we are both orphans and we do not know if having grown up without parents is something to worry about when it comes to sexual intimacy.”

George lost both his parents when he was less than five years old. Mercy, on the other hand, lost her mother when she was 12. She had been a child of a single mother and when the unfortunate happened, she was left under the care of well-wishers, none of whom was her relative.

“So, with this unusual childhood affecting both of us, what should we do to have satisfying sex lives?”

This was indeed an important question. A person who loses one or both parents in childhood suffers psychological and emotional trauma that varies depending on the age of the child, cause of parent’s death and the subsequent social support. They may not fully recover from the loss since their mourning happens in the context of an emotional and psychological state that is not fully developed. This may be further complicated by poor social support that is quite key to full development.

In one study, it was found that compared to other people, adults who lost one or both parents in childhood tended to evade intimacy or easily rush into intimate situations with little negotiation or confidence.

“By the way, the decision to get married has been a difficult one for me,” George interjected, “I felt I needed to help people in desperate situations as opposed to forming my own family.”

Part of the derangement that occurs after a child loses a parent is that they may have low self-esteem, and lack self-love. A person who lacks self-love may not notice the expression of love from others, neither can they fully let themselves free to be vulnerable.

On the one hand, the painful loss of a parent and subsequent suffering makes one develop psychological and emotional defenses to guard against further disappointment. They tend to leave room for any eventuality in relationships. On the other hand, a person who suffered loss in childhood may yearn for love. They may easily rush into a relationship and become highly possessive, again because of a subconscious fear of loss.

Whatever the case, neither route allows for the nurturing of healthy sexuality. The hesitant woman may feel nothing during sex and may not achieve orgasm. Similarly, the hesitant man may have low libido and even be averse to sex. This is because satisfying sex increases vulnerability, and yet these are people who are out to protect their ego at all costs.

A possessive person who fears loss may subconsciously see sex as a weapon to subdue, own and imprison their partner. They may not themselves enjoy the sex, but use it to bribe their way into possessing the person. They may demand for sex more than necessary and failure of their partner to provide it can lead to serious conflict.

“I need help,” Mercy said, starring into the horizon, her eyes welling with tears. “All along I have avoided sex not because of my faith but because I can never trust anyone, and I am not sure I will be able to fully open myself to George when we marry. I have some deep bitterness about life. I do not understand why my mum had to die.”

And with that, I booked the couple for premarital sex therapy. It was good that they came in good time before cultivating a dysfunctional sexual life.   BY DAILY NATION