Hi Pastor,
I’m in love with two girls. I parted ways briefly with one of them after my high school studies because I moved to Nairobi. This girl was my matron’s daughter when I was in high school. The second girl in question is someone with whom I share a lot in common. She has the right intentions for herself and others. She is also serious with her schoolwork. But the other day I received a call from the matron’s daughter that I should go and visit her in her house and thereafter take her to my house. Please help me because I also love my other girlfriend and she is an orphan. I don’t want to be distracted by the matron’s daughter, especially since her mother and I are not on good terms.
Hi,
You seem like a man who knows what he wants. It doesn’t look like the matron’s daughter is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. The key reason here has to do with the dislike you have for her mother. You may need to ask yourself then what you are doing by having her as your girlfriend.
That said, it is necessary to clarify for yourself why you fall in love with one woman and not another. Most men can marry a woman because of their looks, their mannerisms, or their status and family they come from. However, other than attraction, a great life partner must exhibit certain qualities.
Putting a good plan and following it with a willingness and commitment to see it actualised is key in any relationship. Having goals based on what you desire to see in the relationship helps us set realistic expectations for each other.
For example, “Who, when and why do I want this person in my life?… what should keep us together? …. what values do we need to embrace?” Handled well, these questions can help reveal any fault lines in our dating process.
We could get the right person but expect of them what they may never deliver. Remember, these two women are different and it is up to you to judge them individually before you cluster them with the behaviour of a parent. I have seen parents turn around and become the best in-laws ever. Of course, a relationship may start out with a selfish agenda, however, love grows the more we make discoveries concerning the person we are dating. When this does not happen, even the values we cherished cease to be a priority. We have to be selfless in order to build lasting relationships.
I am of the view that great relationships are never built in a hurry or on superficiality. Relationships are about time we actually put aside to connect and being intentional at nurturing a caring environment where love can grow and mature.
Avoid putting the desire for sex as a priority in dating since this will cloud your judgement. Because great relationships don’t just happen, putting in place boundaries between yourselves and our parents helps define the quality of our experience together.
This will call on you to relate intelligently by investing in skill and effort that will help you establish the chemistry you need in the relationship. I suggest that you consider carefully why the matron’s daughter or this other lady would feature as a girlfriend and a contender for a lasting partner.
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I want to be a counsellor
Hello Pastor,
My name is John and I follow your columns closely every week and I must admit that you do an excellent job. I am a theological student who wishes someday to be a Christian counsellor and I thought I could ask for some directions from you. How do I go about it? Are there counselling schools in Kenya you could recommend? Any good books I can read and any other helpful advice could go a long way. Thank you in advance.
Hi,
Thanks for your kind words regarding the column. I would suggest that getting your basic course in counselling will help you gain the basic skills needed for laying your foundation that will lead you towards becoming a counsellor. Regarding your counselling training, we have currently many good universities and colleges handling counselling from certificate, diploma, degree to postgraduate level.
Generally, the universities and colleges in Kenya which offer certificates, diplomas, and degrees in this area of counselling are affordable and accredited. Depending on the level, respective universities will advise so that you choose which one helps you.
I know that I am not here to promote one university over another, but let me mention some Christian universities like Daystar University, KAG East University, Pan Africa Christian University, Nazarene University among others. On books, Counselling psychology in Kenya by Geoffrey Wanyonyi published by KLB and Christian Counselling by Gary Collins, among others, would be great to look at. Please visit any bookshop near you and see the collection they have. Check with Kenya Counsellors and Psychological Association who will guide you appropriately on some good forums they have to help you grow.
Once you have done this, you will be able to have a better grasp of what you want to do. Also, seek to have a face to face with a counsellor you know who will help you learn more about the field and any practical aspects of counselling.
For your information, there are many study areas in counselling: mental health, grief, career, child, family, pastoral, substance abuse and many more. BY DAILY NATION