Dangerous passion: Why you need to guard against jealousy as your union ages

 

It was the first time the Jacksons were having a serious disagreement in their four decades of marriage. Jackson was 65 years old while Helen, his wife was 62. Jackson was a retired banker while Helen runs a private school, a business she had done for years. Given that Jackson had a lot of time on his hands he frequently visited Helen's school. It was this good gesture that would in the long run cause trouble for the Jacksons.

"I always wondered why he kept coming to the school asking to help," Helen said when they came to the Sexology Clinic.

Trouble started when Helen tried initiating sex and Jackson said he was tired. The frequency had been down in recent years. It started when Helen lost libido as menopause set in. It became a once-in-a-month occurrence then reduced even more.

"The truth is that I lost interest and was happy to live with the situation, I got accustomed," Jackson explained.

But then Helen started demanding more sex. Jackson ignored her advances and this made her agitated. It dawned on him that there could be a problem and they came to the clinic for help.

I took a comprehensive history and examined the couple. I also did baseline laboratory tests for hormones and other diseases which could cause low libido. They were both pretty healthy for their age and could have sex as much as they wanted.

"It is however normal to have a slump in the sex drive during menopause," I explained, "you could be pulling through the menopause transition and getting a bit of your sex drive back."

Helen shook her head. Her eyes welled up with tears. She fetched her handkerchief and blew her nose.

"You don't understand," she said amid sobs, "The school secretary is taking away my husband."

Jackson stood up, ready to storm out of the room. I pleaded with him to sit.

"At my age what would I be doing chasing a 25-year-old girl?" he asked rhetorically, "Is that why you are demanding sex?"

This made me arrive at my diagnosis. This couple was going through what many couples of their age face: jealousy during old age. Sometimes it is the woman who is jealous, other times it is the man.

For many women menopause comes with bodily changes – wrinkles, thinning of hair, loosening of muscles, among other changes. At the same time, their libido goes down due to changes in sex hormones. The mood may similarly become volatile making it difficult to relate with the man like before. Some women begin to wonder if they are still lovable. They keenly watch the movements of their husbands, looking for clues of extramarital affairs.

"But it is true," Helen said interrupting my explanation, "Is there a good reason as to why my husband spends hours on end chatting with the girl at the school reception?"

Men too do get jealous at this age. It is especially common in men whose libido is falling and those whose erections are dwindling. They wonder if they can satisfy their wives or if their wives are looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction. Some men begin to control their women at this late age, monitoring their movements and the people they are talking to. Some even become violent for flimsy reasons because they cannot explain what they are going through.

What couples need to know is that jealousy during old age is normal for those in love. Most couples have more time during retirement and want to enjoy intimacy but natural changes in their bodies mean that sex cannot be the same. It is normal to question if your partner still loves you and to feel agitated when they give attention to other people.

"Whatever you say doctor tell my husband not to talk to that woman again or I will just dismiss her from my school," Helen said. Jackson was deep in thought, staring at the horizon all this while.

"You know what, I will do what my wife wants, I will keep off going to the school," he said.

He then held her hand, looked at her in the face, and shook his head.

"I can't do that to you," he said, "You are the only woman I love." She nodded.

"I love you too," she said.   BY DAILY NATION