My marriage isn’t working. We argue every day, sometimes because of no reason at all. My wife is very rude and she banned me from supporting any child who is not ours yet I have relatives to support. I also have one child outside marriage whom I support. She asks for time apart every time she finds me chatting to a woman and accuses me of cheating. What should I do? I am so confused.
It is evident that some things are not going right in your relationship. Without focusing on the fact that there is never peace and that it is always conflict in the relationship, I want you to pay greater attention to what could be the genesis of these quarrels and conflicts. In fact, in any normal relationship, disagreement is a good sign that the two people need to acknowledge that they see things differently and that there is a need to harmonise their perspectives through honest dialogue. Conflicts and fights lefts of their own will only make things worse and lead to separation.
Since there is a child in the picture, it may appear like your wife is not their biological mother. How you dealt with this at the inception of your friendship is key. This is what builds trust between a couple. Surprises, and particularly where children from previous relationships are concerned, will always be an area of conflict at some point. The remedy is to come clean on the children, talk about your intentions without imposing and wafting to hear her fears or concerns, addressing such fears adds to the level of trust being established.
It is clear also that she is concerned with your relationships with other women be it casual or not. You have to know that already you were seeking that she cuts you some slack and understand the need to accommodate your child from other relations, in addition, you are appearing to have not learned. She feels like you are already out there chasing more women. How would you expect her to build trust and seek to walk with you when it appears like you are not willing to settle?
Put yourself in her shoes
I want you to place yourself in her shoes and think for a while about if your wife exhibits similar symptoms to you. Would you want to live with her? I guess not. That is why, building a marriage together is not just about agreeing to be husband and wife but also, committing to a set of values that will help you relate intelligently and emotionally. As I conclude, let me tell you some ways people easily kill a well-intended relationship:
First, is the failure to reflect on yourself what seems to annoy you about your spouse. Since it takes two to tango, we must get to a place where we acknowledge that no one is perfect. We all have flaws, make mistakes and messes which other people have just decided to put up with. After all a coin has two sides and one side may never know what that side looks like.
Learn to look in the mirror and ask, “Do I also make mistakes?” Learn to ask others, what do they see in you? Critically looking at how you behave and act will help you sober up—after all others have gone a long way to put up with or accommodate your shortcomings.
Pointing out weakness
Lastly, blaming your partner and using break-up as a way to bargain your way back into the relationship. This only works for a while, but it is pure blackmail and manipulation. Your partner should never use the child issue to break up. This is particularly so if you have in the past taken time to discuss the issue.
Second: Don’t be harsh and judgmental towards the actions of others. We all fail, make mistakes and need correction, forgiveness, and a second chance in this life. Empathising with your partner is one way of trying to see and understanding things from their perspective. Building empathy cannot happen where on a partner is speaking with one foot out of the door.
A relationship needs to get nurtured from both sides. Trouble starts where each person’s main aim is only to point out each other’s weakness and errors. When our correction appears harsh, manipulative our partner will end up being defensive. If you love her, you should aim at building what you have and not just condemn her for her action. Gently done, building consensus on an issue can be difficult but results in great benefits.
Finally, I suggest that you determine a few things that include the following:
1) Discuss the genesis of how the child got into the relationship freely and why this child needs a supportive environment.
2) Agree on what both of you feel is the middle ground on how this child could be cared for.
3) Prioritize your marriage and seek to remain faithful. Your actions count. In the end, the future of this relationship depends on the commitment you feel you are will to extend toward each other. Both of you must be will to give and take and meet somewhere in the middle.
BY DAILY NATION