Hello Pastor Kitoto,
I have been married for four years to a man I met six years ago. Since he was financially challenged, we started with everything I had saved from my singlehood days. Now it feels like he wanted someone to care for him. He is not accountable even concerning the children he had from a previous marriage.
I am burdened by bank and Sacco loans I took to build the house we live in. He has avoided seeing my people or allowing me to visit his parents. His parents have not seen our two children.
I feel misused and that I am wasting my time with the man. I feel frustrated and drained financially and emotionally.
Hi,
It is clear that the two of you are operating from two different fronts. His irresponsibility is among the many vital issues emerging from your email. First, the absence in the affairs of the family will overburden you.
Your husband is probably resistant to doing most things out of wilful desire to abscond from his duties, or he lacks the resources to offer the support needed.
I have not heard from you whether he has a regular job or is doing any business. It appears like you have enabled him to be a joyrider from the very beginning.
Financial management demands collaborative planning towards the meeting of the marital needs. Such agreements must be instituted way from a couple of desires to walk the road of marriage.
The emotional feelings you have will affect how close you remain with each other. Emotional distance may result from the lack of direction on the issues you are facing and possibly the absence of a clear path to resolve them.
The issue of financial agreement in your relationship is essential. It appears like the burden of meeting the various needs of the family lies on your shoulders. I pray that as you get the loans, the way forward to ensure the family is cared for will also work at rescheduling your loans.
More importantly, it is to ensure your husband understands the difficult situation the family is in. There are various legal ways, particularly if he has ways to make some income to get him to be responsible and do his part.
However little, if he has income, it is clear that he seems to know where to spend his money – and clearly, it is neither you nor the children. This begs the question of the future financial goals of your relationship.
Finances have paralysed and even killed many relationships and marriages. Although we err, make wrong turns and choices, you should not excuse his irresponsible behaviour.
In healthy marriages, partners must recognise the need for open conflict resolution mechanisms that could be tough but necessary. Logic reminds us that if a man runs away from something, he is also running toward something else.
Be careful not to be used by a man who lacks a clear plan for his life. Do remember, he has abandoned not only you but also the children from his former relationship. Try your best to have a mature and candid conversation devoid of blame. Responsible behaviour must be a non-negotiable factor if you have to move together towards building healthy engagement.
Second, your husband does not show leadership in the marriage. Your biggest frustration seems to be his lack of direction on many issues. A man who cannot lead himself can never lead others.
The result is the feeling of being alone and overloaded in the relationship. This will not only cause emotional pain and level of disorientation but also fear and anxiety. The lack of visionary leadership will lead to stagnation and even the death of a relationship.
Commonly, evasive men are good at using excuses and manipulation to get their way and avoid taking responsibility. A happy and grow marriage is typified by reasonable communication on patient issues like finance, parenting, and talk towards the relationship’s future.
Rules of engagement
Fourth, your relationship with the extended family must be managed by both of you. If he considers himself to be truly married to you, then there is a need to develop and maintain a healthy coexistence.
Rules of engagement must be clear to both in areas like who and how you shall support, visit, and create fellowship with extended family. These may not be necessarily written down, but well-guarded future that drives both of you.
God expects us to live at peace with everyone. This brings into view the need for clear priorities in the relationship. If you desire to resolve the issues that stand in the way, then don’t look at this issue from what has not been done but from an angle of setting a new goal for the future.
As much as I may not want to dig into your past, my question is whether both of you desire to get a resolution on the areas that need attention. Such change should be for the mutual benefit of the relationship.
Since it appears like the areas you have shared were never part of your initial discussion before marriage, then write down the issues clearly as you seek a resolution.
Ensure that, after your relationship has been well defined, you should demand responsibility for those children and participation in the affairs of the family.
If the children from their first relationship are with their mother, how was the closure done?
However, if the children from his first relationship are with you, your discussions must seek responsibility back at his door. This will require careful navigation of any issues that surround their separation.
Structured talks must be done with clear agreements reached and new goals set. It is not too late to engage each other for the health and progress of the relationship. But refuse to being taken for granted.
Ways that are likely to hold a relationship back
Communication is the lifeline of any relationship. How we communicate is as important as what we communicate. In communicating, the words we choose to use in our communication have a way of revealing our motives and character.
Wrong use of words or the attitude and motive with which we communicate will stagnate your relationship.
Words shape attitudes and how we feel about those communicating. Instead of using phrases like “You never help …” and “I am the only one who …” say words like: “It’s clear you have been busy, but the children and I really miss your company.”
From there, you can add your requests, “We would all appreciate if you could find time for us to have dinner with us…this will help me not feel so worn out by the end of the day.”
Here are other phrases that should be avoided:
- “I am sorry if I hurt you …”
- “The problem is that you don’t think …”
- “What is wrong with you! You never listen do you? You never say sorry …”
- “All this mess we are in is all your fault … It is impossible to talk anything with you …” BY DAILY NATION