Pastor Philip Kitoto: My wife masturbates, and it's ruining our sex life. Please help!

 

Imet my wife two years ago. We did not get intimate during the first week of marriage, as she expressed her fears, claiming she was a virgin. I understood that and hoped I would help her overcome her fears.

Not long after, I came back home one day to find her in the bedroom satisfying herself. The act was so loud that she did not hear me open the main door. I confronted her about the habit, and she apologised, promising not to do it again. Finally, she agreed to be intimate with me. We have been blessed with a cute boy, but her self-satisfaction behaviour has become more frequent. I have, on several occasions, threatened to divorce her, but nothing seems to change. I love my son very much, and I can't imagine a life without him. I have tried counselling interventions, but nothing seems to work. This character has wholly affected my sex life, and I don't feel attracted to her any more. What do I do? Kindly help.

Hi,

I must congratulate you for your patience and for trying hard to seek help for your wife. Self-control is essential and will enable you to remain focused and avoid further pain. Besides, values are essential in any relationship. To have a wife who is acting against the values you hold is both disturbing and concerning. However, we all have habits and weaknesses that need consistent effort, support and courage to overcome. Masturbation, for example, if practised for a long time, can move from being a habit to become an addiction. As such, the person caught in such an addiction may find it hard to break free from it.

As you look forward to helping her, I would like to suggest the following. First, avoid using condemning language when dealing with her, as this will only harden her resolve to find a remedy. A friend of mine, Bishop Dr JB Masinde, has written an excellent book on how spouses enjoy sex in marriage. The lack of appreciation and emotional support in the relationship could become a license to get into an affair or an illegal habit. Instead of condemning, try and discover the reasons that influence her to engage in the habit. Offering to have sex with her does not solve her problem.

Female counsellor

Second, acknowledge and accept that she has a problem with masturbation. In a similar manner, she should accept that she has a problem which impacts on your marriage negatively. This is a necessary step towards seeking help. Basically, she needs to understand that this habit is having a negative toll on the relationship as much as you have her. Her acceptance of desire change is an important step. However, whether you are the one to help is a different thing. Maybe consulting a female counsellor who can dig into the background issues associated with it may be necessary.

Third, acknowledge that neither you nor anyone else can influence or force her to overcome the habit. I must repeat that a feeling from her past of being unwanted or abused can cause significant damage and lead to such behaviour. A sense of abandonment or being in a bad company can also lead to wrong practices, if at that time she did not get proper support systems to reject negative influences. The act of masturbation has shown a side of her that is now affecting you. I don't think you need to believe that her refusal to have sex and protect her virginity led her to do this. The truth is: what led to this habit will remain unknown until she reveals it. Both of you need a mature person to help you confront this issue and bring the relationship back on cause.

Fourth, breaking a habit is easier said than done. Be willing to follow the guidance given in breaking the practice. Being around or being exposed to people who practice pornography or masturbation can lead to sexual addiction. If a family member or close friend led them to the habit, it might seem more acceptable for her to engage in the behaviour. It becomes a tolerated activity. Therefore, breaking free takes a systematic and disciplined effort. It may even call for intentionality to break away from any associations of people or activities that encourage the practice.

Finally, be focused and loving. When we show real love, we can break many barriers. Think about her as the mother of your baby who needs help. If you are a man of faith, pray for her as you seek professional help. Prayer has a way of doing wonders.

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I'm a seminarian, but I'm in a relationship with an older woman

I am a Catholic seminarian working on getting a foothold in the priesthood life, which calls for a consecrated celibacy life, but I have a challenge. My problem is that I met a senior religious woman who is older than me by half my age. I hoped that she could help me with spiritual matters. However, we ended up romancing.

I was not for the idea, but she sweet-talked me, and I fell into her trap. Now, she calls me and asks for romantic moments every time, more especially on Sundays when she knows that I'm free from my seminary, yet, this is the day of the Lord. She gives me many gifts, and sometimes, offers me cash, which I need.

I have been dodging her by lying that I am busy, but her pressure is too much now. I tried to share with her about my conviction regarding the church's teachings, but she suppresses me since she is older in the church than me. I also fear to talk about it to my superiors since she is well-known even to my seminary, and that might jeopardise my vocation.

Hi,

When we talk about values like honesty and trust, it does not just apply to the people we relate to. You have entered a journey of priesthood, which demands personal discipline to the call of ministry. This is a personal journey you have with God. If you are to be honest with yourself, the problem with the breaching of your religious values is yourself. A lack of self-discipline and allowing personal desires to reign in your body will be your biggest undoing. Since you profess to be a religious man, let me start by quoting for you a verse from the Bible that states that, "If anyone, then, knows the good they should do and doesn't do it, it is sin for them." As much as I may have issue with how the sister in question conducts herself, I will not blame her for your lack of self -control.

I encourage you to overcome the fears you have and make a resolve to do the following. First, live a life of integrity before God, who has called you to ministry. Second, God calls you to be light and salt through your belief and lifestyle. Your faith and actions will match if you are pleasing to God in what you are doing. God hates lukewarm believers. He says that He will spit them out of his mouth. So, really, who would you want to please? I encourage you to be a man of true convictions that are in line with your call. Please do what is right. Do what will please God. After all, He is the one who has called you. BY DAILY NATION