Hello,
I’ve been in a relationship for eight months with an amazing woman, let’s call her Tatiana. I love her so much. However, recently, I got involved with another lady who was going through a rough time due to a past relationship break up, let’s call her Kisha. I wanted to make a difference in Kisha’s life, so I got involved with her out of pity for she was depressed. I tried loving Kisha as best as I could, this changed her life a little bit, however I started feeling guilty as I hadn’t ended my relationship with Tatiana.
Kisha was obsessed with getting a child, which I wasn’t comfortable with as I was not financially independent. So I declined and I started pulling back of which, she noticed and started asking why. Also I couldn’t keep lying to Tatiana. Kisha has an emotional problem and she’s irrational and I didn’t think about that when ending the relationship.
After one month and a few weeks, I hoped probably we could become friends and help each other grow. But she went on a drinking spree and got intimate with a stranger and got pregnant. I still care about her and want the best for her. Am I to blame for the predicament?
Hi,
You have not said much about Tatiana. It is difficult to make any comparisons between the two relationships. Kisha seems to be the one you chose to draw closer to. Getting involved with a woman who you describe to have met when she was going through issues, should have alerted you that you were treading on challenging ground.
It appears like you seemed to understand right from the start where she was coming from. Knowing that you had opened a door of fellowship, she chose to demand for a baby. I guess, she knew what she wanted all along. Although she was obsessed with getting a child, which ideally you say were not comfortable with, made you pull back.
The question is, “how could you choose to use her problems to wound her?” You somehow knew that she was from a broken relationship that left her depressed. May be she genuinely felt loved by you.
Maybe she thought, “here is a man who truly cares. Let me ask him if we can have a baby.” The truth is out there. However, as much as pulling back was a wise thing to do because getting a baby for you was coming too soon, you and I seem to agree that the way you did it could have appeared to her to be ruthless.
To feel her confusion, you may need to understand that healing from a broken relationship could be hurting and may take long. Attempting to fill the void she was experiencing only provided her with an escape from dealing with the pain of the loss.
By rushing into a new relationship, her expectations could have been boosted by the love and care you showed. In the end, your love and care ends up devastating her dreams. Maybe the demand for a baby — as self-serving as it may appear, she could have thought that this is the only way to seal your relationship. This thought could have been out of ignorance or even well thought through.
Are you guilty of being part of causing this pain? First, I believe you could have done better. You knew her condition well, but still chose to throw caution to the wind. I may not know how close the two of you became.
However, the fact that she had shown signs of being depressed from the break-up of her previous relationship, this was reason enough to keep you on guard. Second, I believe that she should have made the right choices. After all, we are the products of our choices.
Coming from a broken relationship, she should have known better how to relate with men in the future. Since she has chosen her path, I believe you need to sort out your love life. There is a lot of learning you may need to do in the areas of knowing and relating to people authentically. Managing relationships, needs both skill and wisdom. Bringing such intelligence to relationships helps minimise pain.
I want her back
Hi Kitoto,
Thank you for your eye-opening articles every week. I recently broke up with my girlfriend after a few months of dating. This was brought about by issues of insecurity on my end and lack of trust, whereby she didn’t feel “secure” anymore in the relationship. I am trying to get her off of my mind and move on but I can’t seem to.
I still have deep feelings for her. I want to reconnect with her and mend things, but I’m afraid of trying too hard. I might push her away further as she indicated that we just be friends for now and see where it takes us from there. I have laid all my feelings bare only to be met by a brick wall. I don’t want to lose her completely so kindly advise me on how to go about it.
Thank you
Hi,
Thank you for the compliments. I am grateful that these articles are making a difference. As I always say, people are not necessarily what we see. I am a believer in the idea that, we were made with natural and spiritual attributes that play a lot into the way we relate with people. Our attraction to someone must move us to knowing them beyond such an attribute to discovering their inner attributes. “People skills come down to, how you can interact with others.” Such interactions may be verbal or non-verbal including how you interpret the non-verbal communication. We therefore need to be careful about our words and actions and how they impact our desire to show empathy.
Now that she has asked that you start of as just friends, I encourage you to identify and interrogate what triggers your insecurities. This is the only way you can become the man you need to be for her. Good people skills help in maximising our effective and productive interaction with people. Insecurities can be minimised.
I suggest that you: First, build and know how to manage your people communication skills. Avoid assumptions. Wrong impressions that could lead to blame and irritations. These only complicate the relationship. Second, value your relational environment. Establishing an honest and open relational environment offers security to the partners in the relationship.