I am 22 and I have been dating a married man for two years now. He tells me he loves me and I think I love him too. I know his family through photos and I know where he stays but his family does not know about me. When I ask him about marriage, he says he can marry me as a second wife. I don’t think he means his words. I am afraid that I’m wasting my time. What should I do? Virginia
READERS ADVICE
At 22, you may be dating him for financial support. Am sure you also don’t want his family to know you. Because in your subconscious you know what you are doing is not right. It seems you would wish to be his second wife but he is not ready. Most married men spice their life with a mpango wa kando. And it ends there. He will be ready to spend on you but no commitment. Enjoy the moment but don’t expect marriage.
Lastly, imagine if you were the first wife, would you accommodate a co-wife? Aim to be a first wife. You are still young and you will get a person who will love you. JK – Eldoret
You are still young. You have dated this man for two years and that simply translates to your love having started while you were 20. I urge you to, mature first before you think of marriage.
There is more is ahead waiting for you. You haven’t gone through relationships if I may say. You mentioned that ‘I think I love him’- this phrase clearly shows you’re unsure. Realise your aims in life; ‘don’t be a gold ring worn on a pig’s snout’ it loses its value. Discuss with him your fears, concerns, and future goals. Let wisdom prevail so that you are not fed when the other family sleeps hungry as a curse awaits you if this is happening. Tread carefully. Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo
I would advise you to put yourself in the shoes of the wife of that man. Is it good? Secondly, telling you that he loves you does necessarily mean he does. He may say that to get what he wants then he dumps you. What he is doing to his legal wife now will be done to you too. What makes you think you love him? Is it because of the goodies he gives you? Revisit your actions lest you be digging an abyss that you will never be able to come out of. Run for your dear life and pray for your partner. ~ Rev. Geoffrey Avudiko, Botwa, Kitale.
You seem to have a lot of uncertainties about this relationship. You don’t believe his words neither are you certain about your love for him. Are you ready to play second fiddle to the first wife? Don’t you think this man is with you for the thrill? Please follow your gut feelings. At 22, you have enough time to look for a single man who truly loves you. Don’t waste your time with another woman’s husband. Socialise with other singles and you will find the right man out there. John Wambugu via email
You are wasting your time. He has a wife and kids and he is never going to trade that despite all the endearments. You are still very young and have more important things in life to secure your future. Good potential unmarried men are still many. Christine Memo
You are not very sure if you love this married man, and this is probably based on how he treats you. It favours him and therefore he is happy with this arrangement. As long as you are there when he needs you, expect him to be even happier. So you can decide to trust what he tells you but be sure to monitor his actions. It will help you decide if you want to be his second wife. At the same time do not act surprised if he decides to look for a third wife when the flame vanishes. Juma Felix.
EXPERT ADVICE
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
You need to understand your relevance. He is not lacking a wife because he already has one. For you to be in his life you must bridge a requirement in his life which is likely the fact that you are his thrill factor. Saying I love you or him marrying you as a second wife does not guarantee your expectations. Consider a possibility which is, you may gain an official title but lose the attention and affection you have enjoyed for two years only for him to seek out thrills from another who is willing to fill his need for excitement.
Next week’s dilemma
I need advice on how to revive my feelings again to my wife. My affection for her has fizzled out yet I do not have side chicks. What should I do to make things hot again? Kiptoo