I just learnt that my partner was once married and has a child from ex-union

Dear sir,

I'm 28, my wife is loving and caring, and we have generally been happy. However, I recently learnt that she was married and that she had a baby boy with her former husband. To make matters worse, I learnt this through her sister. How do I handle this matter?

Hi,

Whether your wife’s sister disclosed this information to you for selfish reasons or not, the information you have received is strong enough to warrant concern. This is the kind of disclosure that couples share early in courtship to give each other time to assimilate the information and make an informed decision regarding the future of the relationship. Since your wife is not the one that shared the information, it’s important to consider several factors:

First, if your sister in-law shared this information in confidence and you have verified it as true, then there is need to request her to allow you to break the confidence so that you can have a conversation with your wife, who owes you an explanation regarding her deceit.

If this state of affairs is common knowledge in other cycles, then this conversation becomes even more urgent. Second, keeping a handle on your disappointment and feeling of betrayal will determine how fruitful this conversation will be.

Most times, it helps to first come to terms with the truth before approaching someone with the facts to avoid escalation of emotions. When emotions are allowed to run free in such a matter, the issue at hand will be clouded by hurt and pain, making it impossible to resolve the matter in a compassionate manner.

Third, while confronting the issue, it is important to be aware of the intentions or motive behind your sister-in-law’s disclosure. Why did she feel it was necessary to tell on her sister? In addition, since you say your wife has been good to you, your intention must be to seek to hear her side of the story and why she did not feel it was important to disclose the matter to you when you were dating. The fact is that some people keep information back from others because it is the best way they know how to get healing.

Fourth, make your decision on the future based on the feedback you get from her while considering two key questions. The first question you will need to consider is whether what you have heard from your wife and her sister changes anything. If it were you in her shoes, what would you have done?

The second question is whether forgiving her and moving on with your marriage violates your fundamental principles and core convictions. My prayer is that what you know now, viewed from the lens of your past with her should guide you to make the decision.

Allow me to prod you further: Will it be so wrong if you listened to her, forgave her, and moved towards the future together? However, should you forgive her, will you forget too or will you always judge and resent her for keeping such an important matter from you?

I left my wife because she sent my boss my nude pictures. Now she wants me back...

Dear Kitoto,

First, I would like to appreciate the advice you give because it has really helped many people. I’m grappling with many problems brought about by my wife. To begin with, she sent a text to my boss alleging that I don’t assist her financially, which is a lie I confronted her about.

To my surprise, she denied that she did it, yet I saw the text. Second, she took my nudes while I was asleep and sent them to my boss, and as if this was not enough, she came to my office and caused a scene, going to the extent of slapping me before my boss.

I’ve been patient with her, arguing that her behaviour was due to pregnancy. However, these two incidents happened several months after delivery. Tired of her damaging behaviour, I decided to walk away from our marriage. Now she keeps sending me texts telling me that she loves and needs me back in her life for the sake of our child. What should I do?

Hello there,

On behalf of the team, I am grateful for your kind compliments.

I have to say that your email is a bit perplexing and disturbing for several reasons. The first is that I do not understand how your wife came to be in possession of your boss’s mobile number and have the freedom to text him concerning your marital problems.

Also, why would she take photographs of you naked and share them with your boss? In addition, where would she get the courage to storm your workplace and slap you in the presence of your boss? And why would your boss entertain such behaviour from your wife? What kind of relationship do they have?

If indeed she did all these things that you state, then there is definitely something not quite right with her. It is also worrying that your boss would allow such unacceptable behaviour.

These are too many strange events involving you, your wife and boss.

One would also wonder what outcome your wife was after to act the way she did. Did she want you sacked, for instance? Is she considerate of your feelings and the consequences of her actions? As for you, even though you are a patient man, how would you have left things to escalate to that level? What is the use of marrying someone who will not respect you?

Every couple must have a code of conduct that both should adhere to. It’s clear from your email that your wife disrespected you and wanted to hurt and embarrass you, whatever motivated her. Her repeated actions say that perhaps she knew, from experience, there was nothing you would do about it.

There are two issues that prevent you from moving on: your child and the pending unresolved issues. If you come together again for the sake of your child only, this marriage is bound to fail because your problems will remain unresolved. You cannot push such weighty character issues under the carpet just because of the child.

One day this child will grow up and leave you both. You need to find reason enough to give your marriage another chance, if that is your desire. If the reason is going to be the child, then I suggest that you first seek the help of a counsellor, who should help the two of you deal with the issues that led to you walk out of your marriage.

Left unattended, unresolved issues clutter and cloud relationships with baggage that will bring the marriage down. The perspective you have of each other has to change if your marriage is to heal. You need to have a heart-to-heart conversation during which she has to explain why she does the things that she does.

Reaching out to you via text, although a necessary first step in reconnection, is a drop in the ocean when you consider what the two of you are confronted with.

I need to say that many marriages and relationships fail to realise their intended potential because of lack of discipline and wisdom. When spouses are selfish and when they fail to make intentional investment in each other and in their relationship, when the good that was left in their union is depleted, they will have nothing to lean on.

A relationship must be about devotion and commitment. The level of our commitment will test the motivation and drive within us. If we are driven by selfishness, then the relationship will crumble. Regular reviews will enable the couple to measure their performance, discover any gaps that may exist and realign the relationship to their marital goals. The marriage you want may remain just a dream and an illusion unless you are willing to make the needed sacrifices to correct the current picture.