This week we advise a man who is afraid of marriage
I am 25 and I have been dating this lady for the last three years and we both graduated last year from the same campus. Last year September my elder brother was graduating and in the process, she got to meet my family members including my parents.
A few months later she got pregnant with our child. Early this year I got a job in Nairobi. I worry that I haven’t told anybody at home about her pregnancy and she thinks that I have.
My dilemma is that she wants us to settle but I’m not ready. Recently, I met this younger lady and I feel like I’m falling in love with her. I don’t want our child to wonder where his dad is. I do send her upkeep money monthly. Kindly advise me. Clinton
READERS ADVICE
I like this statement “I don’t want our child to wonder where his dad is.” Then do the right thing. Sending money is not enough. Your emotional support is very crucial. You are not ready to settle down but you’re ready to be in another relationship with a younger lady? Do you want to waste her too then finally settle down? Do you want your child to be raised by a single mother with no father figure or by another man? If you are not ready maintain the relationship with her until you are ready to settle down. Don’t be selfish.
– Janet Siranga
The first thing to do is to come out clean with your family about you being a father. This will help you get over the guilt you are having. You should support your child so as to stop being counted among the deadbeat fathers who sire children but vanish in thin air to shun parenting obligations.
The choice of who to settle with solely lies with you. However, please ensure you are not carried away by infatuations. The newest girl is always sweeter. You will have done yourself an injustice to leave the girl you met while on campus. By any chance, if the new girl becomes pregnant you will also feel the urge to leave her. Just know money is not everything there is a need for companionship.
– Nyori Njuguna
Having a relationship that led to a child and then claiming that you are not ready to settle, sounds ironic. Men will always notice an attractive lady but the key point is discipline and self-control. Now that you don’t want to be an absentee dad, I would kindly advise you to be with the mother of your child. Sending upkeep money isn’t enough.
– Lennis Muriuki
Were you serious with this lady while dating her or you were taking her for a ride? If at all you are concerned about your child-to-be you should dump the new relationship. I don’t know why you didn’t realise it was good for you to date a younger woman earlier. The Swahili saying goes, “Maji uliyoyavulia nguo,huna budi kuyaoga!” Decamping from this relationship to the new one may create more harm than good. Lastly, be extra careful as you make your choice because choices have consequences!
– Rev. Avudiko Geoffrey
Everything seems to have happened without a plan, even though you are directly involved. So how about you sit down and come up with a sober plan concerning your relationship with the mother of your kid. Falling for another woman will not solve your issues. You might decide to take care of your baby and settle down with your new girlfriend only to realise that you made a mistake when it’s already late.
– Juma Felix
EXPERT ADVICE
Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:
This may come as a surprise to you but people in relationships fall in and out of love all the time. What matters is being honest about your feelings to yourself and to your partner whether in marriage or not. In your case, you must inform your family about the pregnancy.
It’s important that you tell your girlfriend that you are not ready to settle. The worst thing you can do is pretend to be in a union and end up leading a double life. Regarding the younger lady, you need to be careful not to repeat the same scenario with another woman.
Many men tend to fall in love with the idea of a woman in their space based on how that woman makes them feel but this does not translate to him loving the idea of settling. Whatever you decide make sure you have a balanced life where people around you are not hurting and neither are you. Once you are honest you will find peace and an avenue to steer your life with minimal stress.