“Mostly, the talk about depression surrounds young mothers, yet the reality is that depression in young fathers is common too, only that nobody talks about it,” Jeff Dindi confesses.
It was December 2016 and Jeff, then 26, had just completed his bachelors’ degree in Business Management when Rachel Mbogo, then his girlfriend, informed him that she was pregnant.
“The news hit me like a thunderbolt. In that brief second, many questions raced through my mind. Should we keep the baby or not? I had no job, yet there was a baby on the way. How would I take care of him or her?”
But even in that moment of panic, he knew that there was no way he could suggest getting rid of their child. He just could not live with the decision.
Having lost his parents when he was just 12, and sorely in need of their love and guidance, Jeff had a clear picture of the kind of father he wanted to be for his children. He planned to be fully present and engaged in their upbringing, so yes, they would keep the baby.
He rushed to his maternal aunt’s home in Kitengela, Kajiado County, to share the news. His aunt had taken him in after his parents’ death, becoming the mother he had lost. He was sure she would support him in every way she could. But he got a totally different reaction. She was totally indifferent to the news.
I wanted to visit Rachel’s parents to assure them that I would take responsibility of the pregnancy and that I planned to marry her. I had therefore envisioned my aunt and other relatives accompanying me, but this did not happen. She was outraged, and when I look back, this reaction was the genesis of my depression,” he says.
Feeling abandoned and confused, Jeff retreated to Nairobi where he lived in Kitengela with his aunt and cousins. Months went by, yet he still could not find a job. Fortunately, Rachel, then one month pregnant, managed to get one at a restaurant in Garden City, Nairobi, right after completing her bachelors’ degree in Project Planning Management in Moi University. She was still living with her parents in Nairobi’s Kasarani.
Says Rachel, “Being unemployed weighed heavily on Jeff, who openly expressed how worried he was about our future and our relationship. I tried to encourage him that I at least had a job that could take care of some of our needs and that of our baby, but his self-esteem had taken a dive.”
Even then, he managed to gather enough courage to visit Rachel’s parents. He went alone.
The meeting was emotionally taxing, he says. “I knew their questions would touch on my family’s background, my plans for their daughter’s future, and as matters stood, I had no right answers to give. Nevertheless, I was convinced that meeting them was the right thing to do.”
To his surprise, Rachel’s family turned out to be more accepting and supportive of him than he had anticipated. It helped that Rachel had told them a bit about his background and situation.
With her parents’ blessings, Rachel moved into a small rental house in Kitengela, where Jeff, then a gym instructor at a small facility he had set up within the compound of Shepherd Green Church, where he was youth leader, continued to live at his aunt’s place, though he visited Rachel frequently.
In August 2017, their first child, Jordan Mwangaza, was born. Besides the stress that came with lack of a stable job, Jeff also had to deal with his family’s indifference to his wife and child. He says that in the three months that Rachel lived in Kitengela, they only visited her once, at the hospital, when she gave birth.
“I was to graduate in August, the same year that Rachel gave birth, but failed to, since I was missing a few marks. This angered my aunt, who had paid my school fees, straining my relationship with her further,” he says.
To make matters worse, that same month, Rachel went on maternity leave and lost her job in the process.
“All these things happening in my life at the same time broke me. I sank deeper into depression and my self-esteem took a further nosedive. I feared that I would direct the negative emotions I was feeling to my family and Rachel too if I didn’t do anything about it.”
The only saving grace at the time was that Rachel had been given a month’s pay before she took her maternity leave, and this went a long way to support them after the birth of their son.
But the money eventually ran out, and they could no longer afford to pay the rent for Rachel’s house, forcing her and their baby to move in with a cousin who lived in Ngong, Kajiado County.
“My parents had moved to Embu, therefore, I couldn’t move back home, I also wanted to be near Jeff, who would visit as often as he could. He was still trying to get his fitness business going in Kitengela. This is when our cycle of being housed by relatives began. We hopped from one relative to another for three months, which was taxing for me and our child,” says Rachel, adding that she began to get overwhelmed and did not even want to see her baby.
“I hated him for his persistent crying and was angered by his presence. I didn’t know it then, but I was suffering from post-partum depression.”
This is a mental illness that affects some new mothers, and if left unchecked, can turn a loving mother into a hateful caregiver. It can also trigger suicidal thoughts.
Sensing the harrowing experience his wife was going through, Jeff requested his younger sister who lived in Lucky Summer, in Nairobi’s Kasarani Estate, to take them in. He moved in with them, and pledged to himself to fight the depression and confront his situation.
His esteem took a boost when he finally graduated from Moi University that year in December, a graduation that his family attended, getting an opportunity to meet Rachel for the second time.
The following year in January, Jeff got a contract with an oil exploration firm as a health and safety officer. Things were looking up, but as exciting as the opportunity was, it posed a challenge. The company’s activities were based in Baringo, West Pokot, and Elgeyo Marakwet. That meant leaving his young family behind. Advice from his father-in-law, who had become his mentor and support base, helped him make a decision.
“A man’s life is about making tough decisions and standing by them regardless of whether his friends and family support him or not,” his father-in-law had told him. This, he says, was his eureka moment.
“I decided I would take the job and became my own man. Rachel and our four-month old baby moved in with her parents in Embu where they lived. We felt that the new environment and support of her parents would be good for them.”
In an emotional split, the family went in opposite directions, Jeff to the land with the promise of a better life for his family and Rachel into the familiar and supportive arms of her family. It was the fourth time mother and child were moving in a span of five months.
“It is a miracle our baby never got ill due to the constant change of environment as well as instability,” Jeff reflects.
After working for a month in West Pokot, Jeff asked Rachel to move in with him and try her hand in business. She took the leap of faith, left their son with her parents and joined him. It was not easy.
Determined, she opened a small eatery with a Sh60,000 loan Jeff took from a chama he and a circle of friends had formed. He would service the loan with his monthly salary while channelling a set amount to help foot the recurrent bills incurred by the fledgling business. Unfortunately, it never broke even, a feature Jeff attributes to a couple of factors.
The environment was hostile. To begin with was language barrier as well as hostility from the natives, who would sometimes block supplies from reaching Rachel,” Jeff narrates.
Around this time, Rachel discovered that she was pregnant with their second baby. The adverse conditions in the remote area and the struggle of running a business that was not bringing in money took a toll on her. When she almost lost her baby, they decided that she was better off in Embu.
In November that same year, Jeff’s employment was terminated after the firm struck oil and ended their exploration.
Rachel was not only jobless but heavily pregnant. Once again, they were back to square one.
Then a miracle happened. Rachel received a call from her former employer. They had a job for her. Jeff, who had saved a little amount, rented a house in Nairobi to be near Rachel’s place of work. This was the first time in their married life that they lived alone together as a family.
“I was so overjoyed, I finally had the opportunity to be the father I had longed to be. It was a dream come true,” he says.
In January 2019, their second baby, Jasiri Sankara, was born. Two weeks after his birth, Jeff got a job in Mombasa, just when his wife’s two-month contract came to an end. He took the job offer, but two months later, he quit.
“It was obvious I had to be with my family, and as much as that move was admirable to some, it was a very difficult decision to make because we were both jobless,” he says.
After a month of struggling to make ends meet, Rachel got a job with an online company, and the couple moved to Ruaka in Kiambu County, where they currently live with their two boys.
Rachel works full time, while Jeff is the full-time parent. He had gotten a job as a health and safety officer in January at a private firm in Nairobi, but he, like many other Kenyans, found himself jobless due to the Covid-19 pandemic.
His interaction with his two boys on a daily basis is what inspired him to start “Present Fatherhood”, a YouTube channel that seeks to encourage and inspire fathers to be more present in their children’s lives.
Rachel, too, has an online channel, a website she named ThrivingSuperMama.com, whose aim is to encourage millennial mothers, who play the roles of caregivers, home-makers and are career women as well.
“When I look back, all my decisions were fuelled by my desire to be fully present in the life of my children. Taking care of my sons while their mother goes to work is not easy. Taking care of a child, I have realised, is a demanding full time job, but I would not have it any other way,” he says.
Jeff thanks his wife for giving him the opportunity to be a present father to their little boys.
A dream come true
He credits his ability to fight depression and being the father he is to two factors — acceptance and a support system.
“Having a wife who understood and supported me through my tough times played a big role in helping me overcome depression,” he says.
Rachel adds: “We have been through so much and overcome it. Our experience has taught as that constantly communicating and supporting one another as well as shutting out any negative energy is the answer.”
Jeff calls on women to encourage their husbands to be more than providers, and to play a more proactive role in bringing up their children.
“I know there is a father out there going through what I underwent or even worse. I want you to know there is hope, that life can get better if you keep trying.”