You can continue loving your family through tough seasons
Relationships are everything. We were created social beings who thrive in the company of others. The Covid-19 pandemic is testing relationships, thanks to the social distancing rule as well as the curfew that’s in place.
Research shows that there has been an increase in domestic violence cases since the government closed schools and introduced the 7pm-to-5am curfew. This points to intolerance among couples, yet what one needs when going through tough times like the current one we are in is to embrace one another and draw from each other’s strength.
Home is where one expects to find peace, love and acceptance, however, many homes have become spaces of abuse, neglect and fights.
This points to a worrying issue, that of a society gradually embracing violence as a way of resolving differences. Whether the violence is between lovers in a marriage or a dating relationship, or between neighbours or peers, violence is indeed taking root as an easier option of ‘dealing’ with conflicting viewpoints.
Manage stressful situations
Not a day goes by without a story related to domestic violence being reported in the media, whether here or outside Kenya. Clearly, something is missing in the way we relate to one another and in the way we’re raising today’s generation, who we expect to become tomorrow’s responsible parents, workers and citizens.
This brings to the fore characteristics such as self-control, how we manage stressful situations, how we handle conflict and how we react to those with a differing opinion from ours.
It’s true that we are facing many challenges, for instance, many have lost their jobs and got a pay cut. Many more have watched helplessly as their businesses collapse in a matter of weeks, taking with them their only source of livelihood. As scary as the future may seem, if you are married, this should be the time to work closer together and to draw comfort from each other.
And if you have children, it is even more important to work hard to forge unity because your children too are going through a confusing period and look up to you for stability. Do not forget how hard you worked to build a future together.
Anxiety puts you in a position where you are constantly anticipating some form of disaster. It makes us worry excessively about family, the future, our health, even survival.
Identifying the source of that anxiety is the first step towards dealing with it. For some, just the thought of making it through the day could provoke anxiety. When left to grow, unfortunately, worry could lead to depressive thoughts.
Aim for value-based living
It’s therefore important to find a way to manage the negative emotions we are feeling. This will give you some level of freedom accompanied by a measure of accountability for actions we take to mitigate our stress.
We must be conscious of the fact that to a large extent, how we behave when faced by crisis depends on how we’re wired and influenced by the past. Most peoples’ response to crisis is influenced by how they were raised, who they associated with and the environment they were exposed to. For example, the violent environment a child grows in could contribute immensely to how they react to challenges when they grow up. The fact is that unresolved issues from the past affect how we handle the challenges that crop up in our relationships.
This means that whatever is triggering the abuse and violence experienced in families during this season has been building over a period of time. Embracing a value-driven life will go a long way in helping us manage our responses to the difficulties we face today. It’s time to develop values such as self-control, patience, honesty, and trustworthiness to build the positive environment we need to counter the negative effects that are arising in this crisis.
Such an environment is where one is free to express what they feel because they know that they will not be judged or mistreated.
The choices we make during difficult moments must be governed by an understanding that challenges and problems are not evil, or a punishment, that they are inevitable and in fact help us grow in our faith and endurance.
Embracing the new normal, as we are now calling it, is part of the survival mechanism we have to adapt to as we face this little-understood disease, which scientists are now saying might be here to stay.
Enhanced parental influence
As we have this conversation, we can’t afford to miss talking about children. Parents need to take an enhanced interest in the lives of their children during this period.
We cannot underestimate the fear many children and youth are facing during this period. Their view of how a crisis is handled is being modelled by the adults at home.
Responding to a crisis with anger and complaining will simply make it more difficult for your child to cope. You are your child’s first teacher. Therefore, they’ll learn from you how to survive and pull through during times of uncertainty. It’s from you that they’ll learn how to make wise choices and how to nurture self-confidence and faith.
Before Covid-19 came knocking, we lived very differently. By the time most parents would get home, they would be so tired or it would be so late, they would have very little or no time for their children. Now this virus has given us the opportunity to proactively engage with our children.
The lack of parental involvement in times of crisis will leave a void that will influence children negatively. The fears our children are facing now are as valid as those fears we as adults may have. Trivialising them will only leave them ill-equipped for the future.
By answering their questions, taking their fears seriously and reassuring them, we will help them to be better prepared to face life after Covid-19 with courage and hope.
Our challenge as parents will be to avoid placing in the hands of teachers, children who are still afraid and anxious of the new way of living they will be facing.
There is need, therefore, for an intentional approach to parenting during this period.
Preparing your families for a post Covid-19 way of living
What must we do?
Husbands and wives must prioritise their relationship. Two are better than one because they have a greater return for their input.
Families must develop a positive environment where fears and opinions are shared freely without intimidation or desire to control. Conflict management requires an environment where respect and the views of others are upheld.
Parents must prioritise time with their children and build meaningful relationships with them. Identifying and acknowledging the fears our children may have concerning a crisis like Covid-19 is essential.
Trivialising their feelings and concerns only makes them look for the information they are in search of elsewhere. I need not point out that chances are that they could just get it from the wrong person or be given the wrong information.
Parents must commit to know their child’s friends and the school environment they will be returning to. Though it may be the same school they were in, it still pays to help them be prepared for the possibility that things might be done a little differently.
When school starts, watch out for any noticeable and questionable changes in your child, particularly sudden change in behaviour.
Make time every evening when everyone is at home to openly share issues that anyone one of you might be going through, and when they do, listen actively without judgment. This is one way of developing a positive environment at home.
Set boundaries and communicate expectations for each member of the family. It’s important to be accountable, and even though children are not going to school while some parents are working from home, it is still important to adhere to a certain structure, otherwise there will be indiscipline.
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