My husband is gone, so how do I deal with these urges?

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

My husband died a few years ago. I had no job and my husband had nothing at the time of his death. By the grace of God, I managed to get a very good job which enables me to take care of my children. I am struggling with a few issues that I would like you to help me with — one of these is my sexual feelings. Where do I take them? I don’t want to get married again, yet these feeling seem to be getting more urgent by the day. I am really struggling to contain them, yet all the men that show an interest in me just want financial favours from me. I am not willing to simply give my hard-earned money because money doesn’t grow on trees. Please help me deal with this because I am losing my mind.

Hi there,

I am sorry for your loss. In addition, I commend you for your focus and determination to look after your children following your husband’s death.

The death of a spouse can leave one with emotional baggage that can make many find it hard to move on.

For a widow like you, several issues soon come to the fore: first is the opportunity to re-focus the family on the future ahead.

This is what you have done by finding a job and providing for the needs of your children in the absence of your husband.

Second is the issue of companionship, which needs to be managed.

For some widows and widowers, remarriage is an option, a decision that resolves the challenge you find yourself in.

Some however choose to remain single the rest of their lives. The reasons behind this are many, such as fear of being hurt, fear of the future and disapproval from the extended family.

REMARRIAGE

Now, to your challenge, I am of the view that getting involved sexually leads to an emotional bond that is equally as tight as one experienced in marriage.

I do not see how you can distance yourself sexuality from who you are as a person and the values you hold. Sex is not all there is to companionship.

You point out that men are only showing an interest in you because of your money — it might be a valid fear — just like some may want to use your relationship with them for sex, others may desire a relationship for financial gain. Whichever way, this will leave you feeling empty.

You need to debate why marriage is not an option for you. Maybe if you answer this question, your fears of marriage can be allayed.

Seek advice from a professional counsellor and address this last matter. This is the only sure way of determining whether having a companion will be the right way to go.

The fact is that the way men desire to relate with you for money is no different from you relating to men for sex.

As you consider this, remember that the death of a spouse leaves one with a deep wound that can only heal with time.

Marrying again would be good for you and your children particularly if they are still young and need a father figure.

FATHER FIGURE

That said, it is important to ensure that you have done your homework well.

First, getting the right person that blends well with you and the children should be a priority.

Although you may not feel it, your children may, from time to time, miss a father figure who will understand them and care for them in certain ways you may not be able to.

Definitely, I am not the right person to make such a choice for you.

You are the only one who can because you understand how important your sexual needs are and the life your children may want.

In case you choose to marry again, take your time and choose a person whose values and beliefs resonate with yours. I wish you the best.

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Hey Kitoto,

My girlfriend cheated on me with another man for two years, what do I do?

I am 24 years old. I have been dating this girl for four years now. We have been through thick and thin and our relationship has been mostly long distance. For the past one year, we have been having issues, so our relationship has been mostly on and off. Recently, I tried to understand the source of the problems in our relationship, and she revealed that she had an affair for two years. The affair developed into a relationship and she fell in love. Early this year, she got pregnant but unfortunately, she lost the baby. She told me that the man was serious about the relationship and even proposed to her but she declined. I felt betrayed, even though she apologised to me numerous times and claims that she still loves me. Right now I am stuck in a love triangle where my girlfriend is unable to decide who to love. I love her, and I know that this other man might end up dumping her, prompting her to return to me. I have given her time to decide what she wants. What can I do to get out of this mess

Hi,

I am not sure I understand what you mean by the on and off problems that have plagued your relationship, but whatever they are, I wonder whether they have something to do with your girlfriend having an affair behind your back.

I have observed that most couples tend to allow things to get worse in their relationships instead of confronting them when they show.

First, many ignore, or worse still, fail to confront habits that compromise the relationship.

Second, many lack the proper skills to deal with issues or conflicts that present themselves.

For fear of a break up, they cover issues with excuses and lies; and even though the dishonesty is clear for all to see, the one being lied to chooses to ignore the lies or confronts them half-heartedly.

Issues that arise in relationships that are inconsistent with what is expected should be pointed out and addressed fully to the satisfaction of both parties.

Yours was a long-distance relationship, which would have made communication and resolving differences in a timely manner a challenge.

PROBE ISSUE
Since your connection is mainly over the phone and since visits are not frequent, a lot can happen in between.

What I sense is that there is a lot that you are discovering that you need to bring out to the table for discussion.

You need to deal with this betrayal in such a way that later, you will not feel as if she took advantage of you.

Regular review and discussion of the status of your relationship will help to keep your connection healthy and vibrant.

Your girlfriend’s confession of an affair that lasted two years and ended up in pregnancy is in itself a good thing because at least you now know what has been ailing your relationship.

This confession also reveals a faulty character. One would sincerely wonder why she hid the affair from you for such a long time.

If indeed you had felt your relationship is not right and asked her what the problem might have been yet she chose to keep such a big secret away from you, then there is something definitely wrong.

FORGIVENESS

It is also important to find out why she lost her baby — is there something she is not saying for instance?

You need to find out what led to the death of the baby. This is important particularly when one considers the two-year affair she was in, and which she only disclosed after the alleged loss of the baby.

I feel that she has been unfair to you particularly in keeping such an issue secret. Since you are not married, you are not obliged to hold onto the relationship.

You have to weigh your options carefully before you decide to give this relationship another chance.

Should you decide to forgive her, you need to be confident that the background issues have been completely resolved.

Forgiveness is key in any relationship, therefore assuring her that you have forgiven her is essential.

However, forgiveness does not mean that you are ready to move on with the relationship. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain you have towards her and letting her know that you hold no grudges.

HIGHER PURPOSE
Should you decide to consider a future with her, you need to ask yourself whether you really believe she is right for you, saying that you love her is not enough because love alone cannot sustain a relationship.

Try and find better reasons that can convince you that she is the kind of woman to consider a future with.

And really, you shouldn’t be worrying whether her other boyfriend will end up dumping her — that should not be your concern.

What should be is whether you will ever trust her again should you choose to give your relationship another chance. Should you decide to walk away, do not worry, with time, you will get over the relationship.